No matter what happens out there, I always count on Fox News to provide a plethora of screaming white men who will blame it on someone else.

Either that chick was anorexic or the coat rack just got up & walked out of the room.

Never in a million years would I guess the SUV with the "Proud Republican" bumper stickers was the one holding up traffic for no reason.

I legitimately got an A on my math quiz, which makes stapling that $5 bill to the back of the exam booklet look a bit foolish now.

My iPhone autocorrected a word into a completely different word in a humourous way. Has anyone else on Twitter experienced such a thing?

When wearing one's pajamas in public, one must either A) act like a homeless person, or B) pretend everyone else is tragically out of style.

It was nice of a classmate to ask if I'd lost weight, but I still don't get why "Yes, thanks to the tapeworm" isn't an appropriate response.

What've I been up to the past month? Not much, really. But I got an email from a Nigerian prince the other day, so I have that going for me.

I've lost more followers by not updating regularly than I've lost due to all my offensive tweets combined. Life Lesson: be more offensive.

Dear Nick at Nite: Please stop showing "The Nanny." My nightmares are even more unbearable now that Fran Drescher narrates all of them.

#TeaParty is doing a great job of uniting the thousands who slept through their high school Economics, Government, & History classes.

Rebelling against the oppressive cereal industry and their "Balanced Breakfast" propaganda by eating cookies instead. JOIN THE FIGHT.

Just because I enjoy weight loss secrets, lowering your car insurance rates, and CLICK HERE FOR A FREE iPOD doesn't mean I'm a spam-bot.

I ordered the "soup du jour," but I think they accidentally gave me plain ol' chicken noodle instead. It doesn't taste very French.

Your right to free speech allows you to leave "So You're Going To Hell" pamphlets in bathroom stalls. Mine allows me to throw them all away.

Every nerd guy wants to be like Han Solo. I think I speak for nerd girls everywhere when I say we wish you were all like Han Solo, too.

At first I was angry at you for cutting me off, white Toyota, but your "Republicans for Voldemort" sticker made your actions seem justified.

I heard a girl say she used the word "awesomest" in her paper cause it "sounded right." Good to know I won't have the lowest grade in class.

#TeaParty activists: shooting themselves & the rest of America in the face just like Dick Cheney would've wanted.

The energy crisis would be easy to solve if we could simply harness the pure misinformed rage of #TCOT tweets.