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When a guy finally shaves his winter beard, I am like "Oh great, now I have to shave my legs."
i hope a bear never sneaks into my house because my first reaction would be to snuggle.
An email I just got, "Critical Period-Donate Blood."
Is eating baby carrots vegetable abortion? When does a carrot become a carrot? When it's still in the ground?
What about a parody of Her but it's a refrigerator, and it doesn't talk but the person falls in love because there is food inside?
A clear sign a girl has been masturbating is all her stuffed animals are facing the wall.
There are so many white men on this plane. I am going to suggest they start an improv team.
A parody of the movie Her called Bread.
A Her parody, but it's a person.
New York will be great when it's all glass condos and Duane Reades.
What about, like, a parody of Her, but it's a twitter account?
I don't regret anything in my life, because everything has lead me to who I am now. Which is kind of a shitty sad person.
Guy on the train made a big character choice to be the "man who doesn't stop coughing." not sure I saw the humor in it, but he committed.
I like my coffee like I like my coffee. With almond milk but soy will do. PLEASE DON'T CRASH TWITTER WITH RETWEETS.
Eating soup jk drinking soup. lol. Pls rt.
I still believe that the greatest award a person could win is a free pizza party.
UCB theater. TONIGHT 8 pm. This is Going to Hurt. So proud to be doing the show with @boozan http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/performances/view/31253 …
Honestly, some Candy Crush levels are so hard I feel like I am wasting my time.
Hunger Strike Update: got a passion fruit iced tea from Starbucks. Not giving up my cause. I just wanted one.