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When a guy finally shaves his winter beard, I am like "Oh great, now I have to shave my legs."
i hope a bear never sneaks into my house because my first reaction would be to snuggle.
An email I just got, "Critical Period-Donate Blood."
Is eating baby carrots vegetable abortion? When does a carrot become a carrot? When it's still in the ground?
We should rename our National Parks things like "Second Amendment" and "Prayer in School" so people would be passionate about saving them.
Orcas favorite food is okra. Just kidding, it's Sea World trainers.
Remember when they made League of Their Own in 1992 and then never had to make another movie about women in sports?
What about a parody of Her but it's a refrigerator, and it doesn't talk but the person falls in love because there is food inside?
A clear sign a girl has been masturbating is all her stuffed animals are facing the wall.
If dinosaurs turned into birds than dragons turned into cats.
There are so many white men on this plane. I am going to suggest they start an improv team.
A parody of the movie Her called Bread.
A Her parody, but it's a person.
New York will be great when it's all glass condos and Duane Reades.
What about, like, a parody of Her, but it's a twitter account?
I don't regret anything in my life, because everything has lead me to who I am now. Which is kind of a shitty sad person.
Guy on the train made a big character choice to be the "man who doesn't stop coughing." not sure I saw the humor in it, but he committed.
I like my coffee like I like my coffee. With almond milk but soy will do. PLEASE DON'T CRASH TWITTER WITH RETWEETS.
If I can just get a picture of myself holding a microphone I can be a stand up comedian.