I've decided to slowly start acting drunk at work,so that in a week or two I can go in wasted and they won't notice

If cockroaches can survive a nucklear holocaust, it makes you wonder what the hell is in raid?

I'm new to twitter, I find it's full of crazy, sex staved miscreants!! I love you guys. Honey I'm home

Today I was going to wear my camouflage "t" shirt, but I couldn't find it...

I think the #1 cause of baldness is raising a kid.

Think I'm going to start working out. Do I get my bicep tattoo now?

Checked the obituaries this morning and my name wasn't there.... Good to go

I don't want to freak anyone out on here, but I had sex last night and It wasn't with my hand

I really would give a shit.. Except that I'm emotionally constipated.

Parenting tips from Monty pythons meaning of life was maybe not one of my better ideas

Don't know how long the half life of the of the F bomb I just let off in the livingroom is, but I bet it will be uninhabitable for days

I slept with a really fat chick,so I'm counting her as two and telling my friends I had a threesome

Me through txt: honey you left something turned on at home
Wife: what? Me: me
Wife: so turn it off yourself

I no longer need porn!! I've discovered shakira videos

What the fuck ever made me think having kids was a good idea?

Wife says she wouldn't kick me outa bed for eating crackers. But apparently a couple bowls of fruit loops is a different story

I don't think my hand finds me attractive anymore, every time I go to masturbate my knuckles start to ache

The only good thing about my asshole neighbor blasting their gay music is that it's drowning out their idiot kids.

Shiiiit, I've got one minute until the rapture and I've got nothing clever to say..... Fuck!

Fuck, I wish I could go to work drunk. Time would go by so much faster