I'll lend you my attention, but it'll be at 0% interest.

If this cough were any less productive, it would probably get its own Twitter account.

Romney's not new to foreign policy. He's been keeping money in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands for years. #dnc

Maine continues to take drastic steps to deny its same-sex feelings for New Hampshire.

Shh, shh, Maine. Just let it happen.

You guys. My parents just tried to explain Twitter to me.

Oh sure, it's fine for my phone to be in Airplane Mode, but when I'm in Airplane Mode everybody's all "Katie, put your arms down."

If San Francisco is on fire and the east coast is underwater I think the obvious solution is to just fold America in half.

I AM INTERN, HEAR ME GET IN YOUR WAY AND APOLOGIZE A LOT.

I like cats because there just aren't enough people who will sit on your lap and lick themselves for an hour. For free, at least.

Guys! Guys! Have you heard of this "beer" stuff? It makes you good at EVERYTHING! Even now, I'm dancing AND crying! At the same time!

She blinded me with science. So I deafened her with history, because damn, some of that shit's boring.

Day 2 of Favrd Withdrawal: Attempted to tell joke out loud to real people. Suspect that stopping to count characters ruined the punchline.

The way I ate that corn crab soup, I pretty much made it my bisque.

Those little green squiggly lines under incorrect sentences are Microsoft Word's way of saying, "Great job with that English degree, champ."

"Work" is a strong word. I prefer to call what I do "spending 8 hours a day being outsmarted by office supplies".

Beer before liquor, never sicker.
Liquor before beer, in the clear.
Coffee before yoga, don't ever fucking do that.

I always feel like the most cultured person in the grocery store. Especially since they don't see me go home and Google "how to eat hummus".

I had a dream last night that I was jogging. Not running. Jogging. And taking breaks to catch my breath. Don't aim too high, subconscious.

"That's how they do sex changes. Turn your innie into an outie."
"An Audi?"
"...what?"
"They turn your vagina into a car?"
"Nevermind."

I watched the opening ceremonies on mute. From what I can tell, Abe Lincoln built a country and six spaceships peed fire on it. #olympics