If I spent as much time thinking of my own shit to say as I do retweeting I'd... Ooh, hang on. New tweets on my timeline.

The amount of effort required to keep myself from doing stupid shit leads me to believe I'm a natural at stupid.

Never am I more optimistic about life than when I'm drunk, waiting on some KFC.

4:1 is the ratio of hours spent talking myself into doing shit and actually doing shit.

The only vacation that fits my price range: being kidnapped and transported across state lines.

I dated this guy for the past few months then he quit calling. He must've died... in a dick sucking accident, I'd imagine.

@prufrockssong I dedicate this to your vagina. RT @missmayn Feelings are the worst STD.

All week I've been thinking about that bomb-ass dicking down I got on Friday. This is just Monday? Shiiiiittt.

Dating is comparable to a drunken game of duck-duck-goose.

I need to finish writing this paper so I can go smoke pot, come up with a solution to all my problems then forget what it was and pass out.

Whenever I recognize someone and I'm not sure where from, I always play it safe and assume they're bar staff

Give a guy an inch and he tries to give you three

Just read that my unborn child sleeps 20 hrs. per day at this stage. I like your style, lazy bum.

I keep reading about a species called 'best boyfriend ever!!!'. Must be some sort of farmville thing.

Give me my blowjobs back. I want my blowjobs back, you bitch.

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug... and sometimes you're just the homeless guy cleaning bugs off windshields.

No use crying over spilt bio-harzardous waste.

Never shit where you eat. Especially if you like to shit a lot.

You could act superior but, your drunk is the same as my drunk, spare the eloquence.

I feel like I should write a Jerry Maguire-style mission statement today. I'll just tweet instead, 140 characters seems more manageable.