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1. Wake up
2. Check to see if somone is next to me
In that order.
Sorry the pic of me drinking a 40 got more likes than the pic of your baby.
"Why would you wake up at 7 in the morning? The game isn't until 1:30."
"I'm a Hawkeye."
It's not fair that girls have to pretend like we don't shit until a guy asks us to do it on his chest.
Shoutout to my friends who use their accounts professionally so they can't interact with me on twitter (because I'm a liability).
My body is telling me I got hit by a truck yesterday, but my memory is telling me nothing.
Just ran into Mila Kunis, and it took all of my will power not to ask her to sit on my face.
I was in Iowa for less than four days, and I woke up on a bathroom floor twice.
The kid from Liar Liar is 24. The kid from Blank Check is 31. The kid from First Kid is 32. Have a good day.
Save the Date - Denver Prom will be June 21, 2014.
This ketchup bottle pre-cums more than my middle school boyfriend used to.
Moms LOVE Michael Buble.
The girl who lived. Former University of Iowa Intramural Table Tennis Champion.
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