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As it turns out, protesters with signs "God hates Fags" was not a rally against smoking. I feel terrible about my enthusiastic "thumbs-up".
I don't understand what you've named your children.
Sometimes the ones I rely on to talk me off the ledge are the very ones that make me want to jump.
Bumper Sticker of the Day: "God was my co-pilot till we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat Him."
If I was a female rapper my flow would be all about Chardonnay, mascara, Kohls coupons, various things. And also my flow.
Favorite oceans in no particular order: Billy, Helio, Drive, Pacific, Daniel.
Coworker:"It was awful, it broke my brain" Me:"It made me lose faith in humanity" Coworker:"You had faith in humanity??" Touché.
Listen, I can't help that I'm so judgemental. Probably like how you can't help that every choice you make is wrong.
Philosopher, life coach and feminist hero, Megan Fox: "Women hold the power, because we have the vaginas."
Lots of scares at Halloween Haunt last night. Much screaming. Friend: "God, I'm clenched so tight my virginity grew back."
Congratulate me on my impending nuptials because the new shoes I’m rocking today are so damn hot, I’m going to marry them
My friends and family get frustrated that I always play devil's advocate. But what they need to understand is it's because I am The Devil.
Casual Sex Friday.
Nothing like hearing an ex just got married to make you feel all warm and Bridget Jones inside. Or maybe that's just the gin.
I was always a little disappointed that Marty McFly didn't seem more appreciative of his unique time-travelling experiences.
My wife and my boyfriend gang up on me due to having the same tastes - the opposite of my own. Really, I'm just grateful they get along.
"Is that your Kabbalah string?" "Um, it's just my hair-tie on my wrist." "Oh. So what does that symbolize?"
Gay ice cream tastes like America!
Whatever. I've been hosting my own Beer Summits for awhile now. IN MY PANTS.
Confession that I am both lazy and vain, but I'm gonna admit
Sleeping Beauty has pretty much the most perfect existence. Ever.