I don't throw people under the bus because there's a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I'm not okay with.

Every time I wash my face, I slowly look up into the mirror, stare into my own eyes, and pretend I murdered someone.

"Your body is a Wonder bread..." - John Mayo

Remember today that you are beautiful.


No, not you. The person behind you. Oh you thought--? HAHAHA. ...No. No.

I need to stop unzipping my pants as I walk towards a public bathroom.

"Girls Gone Wild" DVD extra with parent commentary.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.

Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!

Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."

We get it, trashy girls. You have mirrors in your bathrooms.

I operate daily with the assumption that a random person in my life has secretly been in love with me since the day we met.

Stop telling me I should study abroad. I've seen "Taken."

This tweet goes out to all the people on a first date at a Cracker Barrel right now.

I hate when I get a Snapple fact that I already know, like "Salamanders can regrow their tails," or "Your parents are disappointed in you."

Whenever I'm sad I remind myself that I have better thumbs than Megan Fox does.

I just know I'm going to be that woman in her late thirties who only knows how to make Bagel Bites.

If my obituary doesn't say I died from being "fresh 2 death," so help me God, I will haunt you all.

dane cook in a creed shirt at a nickelback concert eating pizza w/ pineapple on it