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I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like "Oh she's cool she's one of us."
I don't throw people under the bus because there's a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I'm not okay with.
Remember today that you are beautiful.
No, not you. The person behind you. Oh you thought--? HAHAHA. ...No. No.
Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!
Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.
I operate daily with the assumption that a random person in my life has secretly been in love with me since the day we met.
Every time I wash my face, I slowly look up into the mirror, stare into my own eyes, and pretend I murdered someone.
I hate when I get a Snapple fact that I already know, like "Salamanders can regrow their tails," or "Your parents are disappointed in you."
Whenever I'm sad I remind myself that I have better thumbs than Megan Fox does.
"This air is frozen." - Vin Diesel walking into a glass door. #VinDieselSunday
I just know I'm going to be that woman in her late thirties who only knows how to make Bagel Bites.
dane cook in a creed shirt at a nickelback concert eating pizza w/ pineapple on it
Someone started talking to me while I was watching Game of Thrones. His head is now on a spike outside the door as a warning to others.
If lesbians don't call protected sex "safety scissors" then what's the point of anything.
TV writes for me.
