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I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like "Oh she's cool she's one of us."
I don't throw people under the bus because there's a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I'm not okay with.
Remember today that you are beautiful.
No, not you. The person behind you. Oh you thought--? HAHAHA. ...No. No.
Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!
Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
Someone started talking to me while I was watching Game of Thrones. His head is now on a spike outside the door as a warning to others.
"This air is frozen." - Vin Diesel walking into a glass door. #VinDieselSunday
I operate daily with the assumption that a random person in my life has secretly been in love with me since the day we met.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.
I hate when I get a Snapple fact that I already know, like "Salamanders can regrow their tails," or "Your parents are disappointed in you."
Whenever I'm sad I remind myself that I have better thumbs than Megan Fox does.
i wish bodies had a power saver function where ur like i'm low on energy u can stop growing armpit hair and do something helpful instead
Every time I wash my face, I slowly look up into the mirror, stare into my own eyes, and pretend I murdered someone.
"This Transformer is dead, yo." - Vin Diesel looking at literally any car in the world. #VinDieselSunday
If my obituary doesn't say I died from being "fresh 2 death," so help me God, I will haunt you all.
TV writes for me.
