Thank you, they're genetic deformities. What I'm not saying out loud when someone compliments me on my dimples.

I'm going to have to let you go. You made promises that you don't keep, You keep me up all night doing crazy things. Ambien, you' re fired.

How is it possible that, despite constant upgrades, I don't have the recent version of whatever program necessary to complete task at hand?

I have barely moved in hours so how the hell could I have pulled a muscle in my shoulder? Ok, who's got the voodoo doll?

Talked to a few people today who were going through terrible times -illness, poverty, and losses. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand.

@ohnoshetwitnt Jesus hung around with trashy types so maybe he'd be ok with it?

@sfreeze6 one word: blueberries.

@cali_kid_mike He must be using that new math, eh?

According to my late night purchases, Ambien me must think I am rich.

@brianhopecomedy and xanax.

Read this aloud, preferably to someone. Ice Bank Mice Elf.

@pearlyparker and that feeling when you wake, asking yourself "what did I do last night?"as you quickly do damage control duty.

My mistake! When you asked if I wanted breakfast I thought you meant today!

@jmnuch23 I think she's hanging with Phyllis.

@mysteryteacher couldn't resist. Cheers!

@mysteryteacher 18 or 19, , no younger than 18, though.

@thenardvark the gross thing would be ranch dressing on pizza!

All my life I've believed that bugs cannot crawl in (and stay in) my ears. Now, thanks to"Nurse Jackie," I've one more thing to worry about.

And now they are hanging a zombie. Maybe this IS a Tim Burton remake of"Elizabeth: the Golden Age."

If someone brought me something delish to eat right now, I would marry him or her. Of course, tomorrow we would have to divorce.