Damn! I'm still writing Slovakia on my Czechs!

Photoshop is great. You can remove the beer from your husband's hand, Uncle Frank's hand from your ass, and add in your ungrateful son.

New follower asked: What's Favstar? So I did the usual, sent him a link to his own page, like a drug dealer handing out free samples.

Testicles ended my faith in intelligent design.

I don't keep cats. All the grooming and vomiting is too much like living with a supermodel.

The only valuable thing Twitter teaches us is that freedom of speech is for everyone, even assholes.

If Sarah Palin got elected president, that almost might be fun to watch...from the safety of another planet.

You can learn a lot on Twitter. Nothing worth knowing, but still, a lot.

Guns don't kill people. Crazy middle-aged women who lose their tenure kill people.

I'm not getting older, I'm getting deader.

Happy Mothers' Day to my dear departed Mom, who was yelling stuff from the toilet with the door open 36 years before Twitter was created.

Most days I'm grateful I turned out just dumb enough to be happy.

My guy hates waste, so we went to the store, picked out anniversary cards, exchanged them, read them, and put them back on the shelves.

You guys are so lucky I star tweets on a curve.

Is it too much to ask of a man, that he should vibrate a little?

So Tracy Morgan got a casual girlfriend to give him a kidney. Looks like YOUR friends with benefits are invalid.

I've only lost 3 pounds, but that's like 21 in Wal-Mart pounds.

Go ahead with the frisking. I never met a six-year old who WASN'T a terrorist.

I TOLD you guys an angry Weiner is better than a sad Boehner!

No matter how many times you stroke an ego, it never ejaculates.