@imfauxreal #your #vines #are #so #great #yay #ily

I love when my mom uses voice command to text me :) pic.twitter.com/Uq8Edcaw

Patrick eating a grapefruit: "this is a pretty good orange."

De-cluttering my room. Truly is amazing how many random diddly-wads you can accumulate. Why did I even keep this stuff in the first place?

@camibelle_xoxo @leeatsjelly yessie, Essie is the bessie.

Just ate all the cashews out of the variety pack... I have a problem.

Eggs make people want to kill themselves.

@hale_razor I hope you're serious. Every time I play Pictionary, I yell out, "baby fish mouth!" just to see if someone gets the reference.

@jimgaffigan Don't worry. I killed her. #youarewelcome

I don't know if I should be happy that iPhoto's face recognition is so good, or mad that it knew this was me... http://t.co/Znj3WVtH

I want to hug a manatee.

I feel like no one is really applying themselves when it comes to making CD packaging easier to open. #itISrocketscience

Just saw a biker get pulled over by a cop. None of us are safe...

Can you taxidermy people?

Accidentally got free soup at Chick-Fil-A. #SOML

Restroom vandalism at the daycare. http://t.co/2xc24CvB

Just texted my brother. Got a "Who is this?" in reply. #mylifeisinshambles

My dad after eating at Jalapeno Tree: "I just don't know why I have to pay now, I'm not even hungry anymore."

#RIPRonPaul... Sorry twitter-trenders killed you off.

I'm really good at making people feel special and "special" at the same time. And that's #doublespecial, if you ask me.