If you say "pacific" instead of "specific", I hope you drown in the specific ocean.

Its not really make up sex if I still actually hate you.

I have this tiny asian client whose last name is Bingo. Every time he calls, I make him spell it for me multiple times. ALWAYS falls for it.

Every time I gain a completely random as shit follower that isn't a bot, I wonder where they come from.

Irene, I know you're a category 1 and I'ma let you finish, but Katrina was the most devastating hurricane of all time.

To whoever unfollowed me and dropped me under 300 again: I hope you get herpes and die. Someone relay the message. THANKS!

Getting black out drunk tonight because it just seems appropriate.

If twitter has taught me anything in these past few months, it's that everyone hates Nickelback.

Didnt realize it was"Bring Your Marital Problems To Work day."I felt left out for a sec then remembered how awesome it is to not be married.

Just once I want to see one of those stick figure decals on the back of a mini van with a lady and 5 cats.

I don't understand why Zsa Zsa Gabor is having her leg amputated. Just shoot her and move on..they do it to horses, why not 93 year olds?

Would someone please explain to toddlers that "tickling" does not mean "scratch people with your sharp little toddler claws."

Is it weird if I fill my empty big gulp up with wine? I'm doing it regardless, but just figured I'd ask.

It's like you guys know once one of my tweets gets to 5 stars and you're all "OK EVERYBODY, STOP! SHE HAS ENOUGH"

Is it racist if the guy in my rape fantasy is black? Or is that standard?

Want to see my mom go from normal to angry screaming racist in 5 seconds flat? Screw up her chinese food order.

"Can you tell me why I woke up to find 50 diner mints and a piece of toast in my purse?" Best text message I've ever woken up to.

If the rules on Mario Kart applied to real life, I'd never be late to work.

You don't know desperation until you pull off to the side of the road to take a shit.

I hate when people follow me into a bathroom. Unless it's at the bar. And it's a guy. Yeah, then it's totally fine.