History Facts: Winston Churchill liked to yell at birds in the privacy of his study

The ice cream melts to teach you to lick better.

I know it's time to diet when my belly button can hide an entire jellybean.

"47 Things That Will Make You Feel Old"... *looks at driver's license* Done.

No, no, no, I'm not your soulmate, but we can fuck until she shows up.

I don't consider it a successful night out until I've burned my face on the hot dog rotisserie at 7-Eleven.

My dream car is Steven Seagal on rollerblades while I steer him with his pony tail

"I got a Liberry" ~Bush

My best pick up line?

"Oo-Ee
Oo-Ah-Ah
Ting-Tang
Wanna-Wanna
Bang-Bang?"

Followed by a handful of confetti.

I want to make love to you. Violent, aggressive, angry, sweaty, heartless love.

I think I want that bra thing that you can fill up with liquor and drink from a concealed straw.

I'm riding the train in Chicago so what I'm trying to say is I'm being murdered.

Ever start spooning her and she begins singing like Bruno Mars? And then you wake up and it's the clock radio? And it still feels nice?

Ladies: whenever you think i'm listening to you i'm actually just looking at your boobs and thinking about snacks

I wish my alarm clock gave blow jobs instead of alarms.

Home abortions are a lot easier when you just kill the pregnant bitch too.

Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs... Made of bricks.

My favorite type of Mexicans are those who pronounce chips as "cheeps".

Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

When you are really drunk and the lights are off, I look alot like Channing Tatum