Bea, 4 , just asked me how gay dads breastfeed.

I can't read or do math. Luckily I'm 6'6 with straight teeth.

*noah collects two girls doing duckface and puts them on his ark*

Jets fans hopeful they draft beer

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

Let's all watch Good Will Hunting. #Boston

“Let’s see how unpopular we can get.” - Congress

A message to Boston from NYC projected on the side of BAM, via @roanzone  http://instagram.com/p/YJbQeygCFP/ 

The word "meow" is in "homeowner". Good luck trying to ignore that from now on.

Last question.
Obama what about womens rights?
Wo-
I got this *Biden steps in* women have titys *puts on shades* I love titys, we love titys

What mistakes have I made via Twitter that 'Mandy Moore' is a recommended follow.

son its time we talk abot the birds adn the bees. HOW CAN THEY FLY. PLEASE SON TEL ME. U WENT TO SCHOOL U HAVE TO KNOW. HELP ME UNDERSTAMD

I feel so blessed that the government protects my wife and me from the dangers of gay marriage so we can safely go buy some assault weapons.

When there was only one set of footprints that was when you wouldn’t shut up about your NCAA brackets and I walked into the ocean.

babies named Ronald don't even make sense? "this is Ronald" no it's not that's a baby

Twitter crushes are so dope because you just get to read the weird, funny parts of someone's brain and never have to watch them chew food.

Mississippi's state bird is just a bottle of ranch dressing with two deep fried Pop-Tarts for wings.

hey girl are u a crap because u look like shit

If I was ever in a police lineup I'd bring a kitten & everyone would be like oh it was definitely not the guy with the kitten

"RAY!!! YOU WON THE AFC CONFERENCE!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW???" "I'M GONNA AVOID CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE WITH AN OUT-OF-COURT SETTLEMENT!"