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Tried to make my son watch He-Man yesterday on Netflix and realized I must have been a homosexual in 1983.
Sending out an email announcing you have "snacks" outside your office when you actually have a bag of JollyRangers should get you fired.
If you go to a prom-themed party for adults and don't pretend to deliver a baby in the restroom, I don't want to know you.
My dog is either the worst insurance salesman ever or he doesn't sell insurance at all. Either way, terrible customer service.
When asked to remove your belt at airport security, do it very slowly without breaking eye contact while meowing.
@liezertkc #mizzou is happy to compete against any neighboring state that is willing to play.
I would like to propose that we officially replace the phrase "bag of dicks" with "pot of cocks."
cc: @fox4kc web dumps RT @bythepint: "Drunk Girls thinks Quiktrip donut case is the toilet" So proud of KC right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw68IQm1yJY&feature=youtu.be&t=53s …
I like to open my chips from the bottom so people know I don't give a shit about fuck.
It's possible I catch myself meowing to music in my car more than most people. Maybe there's a pill for that?
Groupon is getting a little too personal for comfort. pic.twitter.com/83iVJHiGO9
"The cool thing is it's a touchscreen but they don't tell you what you have to touch it with." -me getting fired from the Sprint store.
Our cats have morphed into one giant two-headed super cat. pic.twitter.com/XtEDRtVJ
I hope the birds that have taken up residence outside our house appreciate the humor in my placing a family of Peeps in their nest.
It's a shame Leslie Nielsen is not alive to play Jerry Sandusky in the motion picture about his hapless defense team and upcoming trial.
I am nothing more than a zebra disguised as a rhino (a rhebra) who frequents beach resorts and happens to enjoy the company of tacos.
