"It's worth having kids just to raise them to drink with you." - mom after one drink.

Confused how, no matter what year a girl is born, there's an authentic picture of her as a cheerleader in the 1980s.

You guys... the OLYMPICS start tomorrow!!! #roundoff #backhandspring #backtuck #backlayout

Speaking of perversions of culture, can't wait to see what Lindsay Lohan does with Lindsay Lohan as Lindsay Lohan in a wig in Liz & Dick.

Just saw Dark Knight Rises. Bane's suede jacket is a must have for Fall

Shit Dead People Say: http://t.co/ZPBn2Q62

A house is not a home without Internet.

"There's some serious Illuminati shiz going on here." - @julsmarietells #Olympics

Penn State football stadium should be bulldozed. #teamoutlaw

Wish that dogs could text. Best friends need to talk.

God bless the guy walking behind you on a dark empty street who speeds ahead as if to say "not a rapist."

Discovered my soon-to-be favorite new
show, Gallery Girls, or as I call it, Before They Were The Real Housewives.

What I learned from KONY was that so many people can watch a 30 min movie between the hours of 9 & 5, and I want to be them.

Sometimes, when the weather goes from 80 and sunny to ominously stormy and scary, I pretend I'm the witch making it happen. #moohaha

Sometimes I miss a patch shaving, and I have tell myself we all die in this meaningless abyss anyway.

Opening a doggie strip club called Kibbles & Tits.

Stand still in hurricane wind for 5 minutes to give your face the chemical peel you've always dreamed of! #sandybeautytips

Jean Valjean: Cosette, what are you doing?

Cosette: Harmonizing, Dad. Jeez.

Instagram makes all children look like Kate Moss birthed them in the south of France.

I typed "thesaurus" into the thesaurus and it said, "DON'T FUCK WITH ME."