Your 30s are about learning to accept that the life you envisioned for yourself is not going to happen.

If you want to know what a guy's orgasm face looks like, ask him to play air guitar.

Let's not ask about our weekends because I don't hike and you don't shovel down egg salad while watching The Fast and The Furious.

I wonder who's babysitting Blue Ivy tonight? #grammys

Sometimes I wish I was a puppy that belonged to a gay couple.

When I see one of the Lost actors on another show, I close my eyes and whisper, "We have to go back."

I don't have time to be who I want to be.

Nothing has ever been better than I imagined.

A man asked for my number at the grocery store. I gave it to him and then hid in the produce aisle until I was certain he had left.

Just once, I'd like to pass gas in my office without someone walking in immediately thereafter.

I just want to dislike others without them disliking me back.

Still waiting for small talk not to feel like I'm drying myself with someone else's damp towel.

Agreed. Eyes are windows to the soul. That's why avoidance of eye contact is crucial.

Women who can sleep in the nude must not have juicy vaginas.

Twitter has become a game of: "My Depression is wittier than your Depression."

While listening to Tori Amos, I remembered wearing Doc Martens and making out in the grass, so I had to turn the music off.

When playing Tetris, I like to hold out for the perfect piece, even if it means getting crushed. (This tweet isn't really about Tetris.)

Sorry I ignored your text. I listened to Portishead for three straight hours and was distracted by my emotional apocalypse.

If I'm watching TV with my parents and there's a sex scene, I start yawning profusely and my dad starts pretend-reading a magazine.

It's impossible for me to get drunk and not explain in excruciating detail how Buffy changed my life.