It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them.

Breakfast is the most important glass of wine of the day.

Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka - Fozzie Bear on cocaine

People often regret telling me to make myself at home.

I didn't lose a follower I gained an enemy.

My friends keep getting married and I keep getting drunk.

My panic room would just be a walk-in closet filled with cases of wine.

Obesity doesn't run in my family, it just kind of sits there.

Gonna spend the afternoon calling up my mom's ex boyfriends to wish them a happy father's day just to fuck with them

If you're the only person drunk at a party then it might be your intervention.

If you're happy and you know it share your pills.

I probably couldn't even keep a picture of a plant alive.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except for pizza, ice cream, cake, carbs, nachos and alcohol.

Sure I'll go camping with you as long as we can stay in a hotel.

I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

My bucket list is just a bunch of sex positions I haven't tried yet.

Ask your doctor if eating a bag of dicks is right for you.

DRINKING GAME: Get drunk and forget what a loser you really are.

Thinking about doing a three day juice cleanse. Except with wine.

How are everyone's Tamagotchis doing?