Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day, teach a man to eat pussy, and he starves and dies, because it has no nutrients.

I only get drunk on days that end with nights.

Everyone talks about JLo's ass, but nobody seems to mention her giant pussy, Marc Anthony.

My favorite period in history is the one my girlfriend got when we thought she was pregnant.

Drugs are never the answer, unless the question is what's awesome.

I would take Xanax, but I have an irrational anxiety of putting palindromes in my mouth.

When my girlfriend wanted me to finger bang her, I didn't know what she meant. My brothers and I used to call it "winning mommy's love"

If you watch Twilight with your son, and he's team Edward, he may be gay, if he's team Jacob, he may be gay, if you own the DVD, you're gay.

When Prince dies, if his headstone doesn't read "Here lies the body formerly known as Prince" then fuck everything I believe in.

I just had the "let's just be friends" talk with my kids. They're packing now.

If I've made one person laugh, I've made a difference - me, through tears, after only getting one star

The perfect gift for someone who has everything is a garbage bag.

To one up Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Beyonce and Jay-Z just announced the release of their unborn baby's first album.

I've been having suicidal thoughts lately. I really wish that guy in the next cubicle would kill himself already.

My timeline reads like a Who's Who of unique mental disorders.

I hate to admit it guys, but Carmen San Diego is probably dead.

Something's weird with match.com, it keeps redirecting me to fleshlight.com.

I bought a table, chair, and bookshelf from IKEA. Came home, mixed up the parts, put them together, and now I have three guillotines.

Who is Alex Trebek? - How Alex Trebek introduces himself.

"Stay positive, everyone." - Not the best way to end a speech to an HIV survivors support group.