If I had to wrestle The Rock, I would invent my own wrestling character: The Paper.

"Diarrhea" is a tough word to spell in a hurry.

My sister just had her baby. And I'm proud to say, I am not the father.

College was a rough time for me. My grandmother died every semester.

It's ironic that Sarah Palin, a half-term governor, is against abortion.

Who decided that dinosaurs roared?

God has all telltale signs of being a closeted homosexual: unmarried, adoptive son, silk robes, talented designer, homophobic.

All divorce papers should be made from those trees that have young lovers' initials carved in them.

I bet before a pro-lifer kills an abortion doctor, he yells, "You're gonna wish you'd never been born!"

Apparently people end up being bakers because they can't count.

I wonder what Steve Jobs' employees' retention rate is. You know, his Apple turnover.

I highly doubt Fred Astaire would mind if people danced on his grave.

The Postal Service should make stamps with the likenesses of Courtney Love, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian and call them Tramp Stamps.

I hope Obama talks to an empty chair tonight and tells it that "Space Cowboys" sucked. #DNC

I was just reading about America's total cost of its wars being $3.7 trillion, and then I fell in a pothole without health insurance.

Ray Lewis cried during the national anthem because he loves that America lets football players get away with murder.

Sometimes I pretend I have kids so the artwork on my fridge won't get mocked.

If my driver's license accidentally said I was female, I would just get a sex change rather than dealing with the DMV again.

Everyone wants Obama to address gun control. Don't forget that his greatest moment as president was telling us he shot a guy in the head.

It'd be cool if the pattern for male pattern baldness was polka dots.