Twitter is a night club filled with Poets, Joke Writers, Alcoholics, Whores, Mothers, Losers, Divorced Men, the hung over and the bored.

I will totally give the next woman to fuck me the rest of this sandwhich

Guys, if you don't wanna star me up, why did you start following me? That's like a cult follower who never shows up to the leader's rants.

I'm currently working on a special chemical that makes women want to take their clothes off. I'm thinking of calling it Jager.

Divorce doesn't really affect children if you give them lots of toys.

@thenoodletheory That's way too deep for Twitter. You should be ashamed.

The woman was quite stunning, as was her taser.

You guys are aware that we're wasting our time here, right?

Somewhere out there, my future wife is learning how to manipulate her favorite prison guard.

When I get out to LA, I'm going to lock Drake, Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in a room with only Mozart playing until they learn to matter.

I have 90 followers. Don't act like you're not impressed.

When I die, I will go to a small room filled with the Spice Girls circa 1998, a bed, and a fishbowl full of MDMA

Women appreciate respect, and they define respect as neglect and abuse.

@sheseemslegit walks around without pants for your entertainment and you have the nerve not to fall in love with her? Fuck you, man.

Anyone who does not retweet this is afraid of the size of my penis.

I don't need followers, I've already got captives.

I was @ your house trying on a h@, when I discovered that your c@ sh@ all over your p@ten leather shoes so I made him fl@ with a b@.

You can push my buttons, as long as you don't skip over the fun ones.

A true woman will ruin your sheets not your credit.

Every woman falls in love with me eventually, even if she can only show it through pepper spray.