The funny, hugely popular peeps on twitter aren't so funny when you imagine them desperately trying to come up w/ their next funny tweet.

The narcissism on twitter really gets to me sometimes. But then I just rub my hands all over my amazing body and it makes me feel better.

I have been checking facebook less and less. If this trend continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.

It would be nice if attractiveness were a prerequisite for exhibitionism

"The best revenge is a life well lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

Anyone remember those "choose your own adventure" books? That's how porn should be.

If I had a dollar for every time I was late to work, well I wouldn't need that fucking job now, would I?

After nearly dying of hypochondria, I'm feeling better than never.

i got a new vibrator that men everywhere should be trying to outlaw.

There are two kinds of pills. The ones you always forget, and the ones you always run out of early.

unplugging the laptop is the new flushing mom's cigarettes down the toilet.

I always shower before sex because clean sex is often the dirtiest.

It's colder than a witch's tit outside, but probably warmer than her snatch.

I just took the bacon OFF my sandwhich and threw it away. Take THAT twitter!

I find people that say "Either you love me or you hate me." to be correct.

Every woman should go through a promiscuous phase in her life. Preferably when your ass is firm and your tits are perky.

Eating porn and watching ice cream. yes, I know.

Got the whole family out the door in 30 minutes. Next up: leaping tall buldings in a single bound.

I give stars like I give head...eh, bored with this tweet already. You finish.

Brag moment: I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff