I can't take the Emmys seriously when @parksandrecnbc isn't nominated for Best Comedy and @rupaulsdragrace isn't for best reality show.

My new goal is to keep my @fitocracy level at the same level as my #Skyrim character.

When creeps pretend to be a teenage girl, they end up on "To Catch a Predator". When Chik-Fil-A does it, they end up on BuzzFeed.

Is meth called meths in England?

Dear employers, hire NONE of the students protesting at Penn State.

Dear Viatnamese restaurants,

"PhOlympics"

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Love,
Keith

#community wins everything. An epic schadenfreude joke.

Maybe we should start a Kickstarter for the US deficit.

Until you can ctrl + f items in a grocery store I’m calling bullshit on this whole “living in the future” thing

Anna Kendrick and Olivia Wilde and Keith pic.twitter.com/MDOAZ6pfbK

"He won the gold medal in the long jump over the creepy line."

Dear @barackobama, please make @littlecaesars illegal.

Pro tip: The next time you get a fountain soda, pretend you are milking a soda cow.

"Mein So Called Kampf" #DepressingSitcoms

A side effect from working in an office with four women - I now like diet coke.

Caring about how people say "GIF" is the new "I'm vegan" or "I don't own a TV".

There was a petition to keep Google Reader running? Because google doesn’t already know how many people use it?

Facebook needs a "schadenfreude" button.

Lana Del Rey looks like an italicized Julia Roberts.

Mega churches in the suburbs scare me way more than the prospect of hell does.