RT @jonaspolsky: I'd hate to be the person who has to refold Google Maps every night.

RT @shoutinggoddess: I'd rather pick up roadkill than a ringing phone.

RT @jonaspolsky: Somewhere, Katie Holmes is jumping up and down on a couch.

RT @rubyameow: Tooters instead of Hooters where waitresses fart constantly.

RT @curlycomedy: I always have trouble remembering movie titles. I'm like Guy Pearce's character in Mentos.

RT @curlycomedy: I had a nightmare my nugget wouldn't fit into the cup of dipping sauce.

RT @nathan_pensky: Whenever I wash a peach, I feel like I'm ruining someone's suede couch.

RT @friedmanjon: Awwww, Google+ is still trying.

RT @bazecraze: I shouldn't have lied on my resume, but I doubt they'll ever actually measure my penis.

RT @time4depression: Don't get too excited about it being Friday. It's only a very small milestone on the long march to a lonely death.

RT @diannegallagher: Eighth is spelled the way a sneeze sounds.