My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

"Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Twitter DM
2) Facebook Msg
3) Kik
4) Text Msg
5) Doorbell
6) Under bed ankle grab

How to torture your friends:
1) Steal friend's phone
2) Change your name in his address book to "Cow"
3) Start mooing. http://t.co/ZS48Tva5

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from "Leader of North Korea" to "Supreme Leader of North Korea" by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

Why do I care about marriage equality? Because it's hard enough to find love in this world without some dick telling you it's illegal.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Somebody needs to tell Tim Burton about the other actors.

My April Fools' joke, where I declared myself to be gay on Facebook and engaged to a man, seems to have backfired. pic.twitter.com/TkOlRj6SXI

The fact that "Fight Club" is trending indicates that people are not respecting the first rule of Fight Club.

True love is when you'd Fuck-Marry-Kill the same person.

I always sleep naked. I don't care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Spanish for wife - "esposa"
Spanish for handcuffs - "esposas"
Well played, Spanish

People who think HIV is a punishment from God against homosexuals must be pretty upset their god is now losing. To a woman. Named Dr. Gay.

When I get to somebody's house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

A "slut" is just a sexually confident woman who sleeps with everyone but you.

The Indian version of "How I Met Your Mother"is just a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding".

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.