Pretty Lights - Fill Your Eyes (Have an awesome night you guys and be safe or I will be super mad) MUAH!  http://youtu.be/CZk3WNOWwNQ 

And with that, Goodnight

Kids who order sundaes (despite the coach telling the team they could only get cones) are the enemy.

Gonna get an iPad when i get iPaid

If I can't leave this world strangling myself in a closet, jerking off, David Carradine style, then why bother living?

Canadians are very, very sorry for how awful you must feel about not being Canadian.

We want the cup!!!! #gopens @ CONSOL Energy Center  http://instagram.com/p/Zt6FihBIh1/ 

That awkward moment when Sarah Palin points out she mixed up the DOJ and the IRS and she doesn't understand the difference.

Ken Burns goes FOREVER in bed.

Now's the time of year to interrupt your local high school graduation and let them know about real life and all it's disappointments.

"I have those pants, only tighter."

Republicans wear their retardation like a badge of honor. "Jesus wants America to be free."

Fucking morons.

Read a man can lower his risk of heart disease And stroke by having sex at least once a week. So glad I did my part & saved a life tonight!

Do you think I'm nice?

Please circle:
Yes No

Jimmy Kimmel did exactly the right thing with that penis-shaped building  http://huff.to/18braJP 

The last few people to give me a trophy have either twittercided or unfollowed me. My tweets must be powerful. They will ruin you.

If you open your set with a cover song, your band already sucks.

The dangers of feline ownership. You could say it's a cat-ass-trophe. pic.twitter.com/W746dsKKDt

I'm broke but it's a good broke.

I've never let a girl make a fool of me. I'm more of a do-it-yourselfer.