@hansonmusic still love this. gramms 98! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXbxd6QHE04

Today's good news: I'm published in The Daily Beast. Check it out! My Own ‘Puffy Face’ Saga http://t.co/GqTlOpST via @thedailybeast

I believe this is the reason Taylor Hanson's wife will soon have FIVE children. #wouldNOTkickthatoutofbed http://t.co/DjtKC9XE

Keanu Reeves wrote a poem w the line: "I wash my hair with regret shampoo." I give up. There's no topping that.

I miss the days when I didn't know Sarah Palin was a person.

I can't wait to finish watching The Wire so I can take an online quiz to find out which character I am!

Me and my dad made a bet. If I get 100 retweets, he'll buy me a husband.

Chris Christie: asshole of the day. #waytofuckinggo

Whoever wrote "there's no place like home for the holidays" had one hell of a Lexapro prescription.

Whe LAPD choppers shine their spotlight on me, I like to pretend I'm on stage and none of my dreams are dead.

I totally want to run a marathon in 2013. Provided the world ends in 2012.

I'm so disgusted by the news today (and uh, every day), I'm going to watch The Muppet Movie. DON'T GO DARK ON ME, KERMIT.

Saw, via Facebook, that a bunch of friends got engaged this weekend. Is it horrible to say "Spoiler alert--you'll get divorced!"?

I wish yoga centered me the way whiskey does.

@mat_johnson are you the actor who plays Bert on Sesame Street?

I wish my parents were famous so I could be a DJ.

It's not Christmas until you've taken 8 headshots of your aunt for her eHarmony profile.

This is perfect weather for accidentally falling asleep in running clothes and sneakers.

One of life's greatest questions: "is this navy blue or black?"

Walking home, I thought "Should I leave New York?" And then a pigeon shit on my face.