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NOBODY PUTS HILLARY CLINTON IN A BINDER
Despite hurricane season, the RNC had to be scheduled this past week because everyone knows that much white after Labor Day is a huge no-no.
"Lilly Ledbetter? Doesn't ring a bell. Was she in the binder ... or?" -Mitt Romney #debate
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I want to yell HEY IS THAT CANDY CAN I HAVE SOME
I wonder how John Kerry will wear his hair and which color is his favorite pantsuit.
Rumor has it Rahm Emanuel dug through the blizzard, placed a rickety lawn chair behind Daley's desk and declared dibs on Mayor.
Guys. Guys. There are record heatwaves this summer. It's a perfectly reasonable time to get rid of any beard. #tomkat
FUCK IT O'CLOCK
First rule of house cleaning while listening to power ballads: The toilet brush is NEVER the microphone.
Announcing you don't even OWN a TV any chance you get, but sneaking Hulu is the new "I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish."
You can tell a lot about a person during the opening of Queen's "Under Pressure" depending on how bummed they are it's not "Ice Ice Baby".
Leaving out cookies for Steve Jobs on Verizon iPhone Eve. And tissues for anyone who got a Droid with a 2 year contract for Christmas.
BREAKING: ROMNEY GOES FULL VERUCA SALT
I LOVE that Obama's announcement is interrupting Celebrity Apprentice. Bin Laden's probably been dead since Tuesday.
Tonight's workout postponed due to oops I guess I already opened this beer.
I love fucking, abusing commas.
Didn't want to feel left out, not having kids, so I changed my Facebook profile pic to a bag of money in the cutest teeny tiny sweater vest.
I hate wrapping, so I get a beer for every present I finish. And my niece gets to savor Christmas as she unwraps each Lego in this set.
No. Sorry. I'm not kellEy deal. Not a Breeder at all. No kids. No band. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW.