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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.

    • 3,182
    • FAVS
    ellenguiliaMelanieShebeldeegeemindimrsjoshhutchemma_hack1dFairyAvelarShijiruPosibleennafleur
    • 9,768
    • RETWEETS
    deegeemindisee8875nathaliaagueronyxniggastylesasleepmaliksdobrevahopei_deecaustic_intent
    deegeemindiBwanaChrisSmithWit
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Billy Ray Cyrus & Alan Thicke, please pick up your children.

    • 4,273
    • FAVS
    kenmccuensabq_adsBlametheADHDreconstructpdkristenmchugh22starfishncoffeeGlove_MonkeyScorpio1080
    • 6,176
    • RETWEETS
    SCSilkMelaNinCholySarahListerHipploytastarfishncoffeeGlove_MonkeyScorpio1080thatcarlygirl
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cain, Perry, Bachmann all claimed God told them to run for President, and all are out of the race. God is hilarious.

    • 1,544
    • FAVS
    dongsoftwiggles1centApostasyPandaCatfishGoneWildMonicaHappyMomanandsaysTetGamesLtdPAT_E_ROCK
    • 8,055
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildAdhi_ESTcarbeyebchovoskibotanicalbirdcomavgurujumph4xfinlives
    BlueBodhiBenNot_From_TroyMitchBurke
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Christine O'Donnell: 'If evolution is real why are there still monkeys?'
    Well Christine, education is real and there are still morons.

    • 1,954
    • FAVS
    anandsaysKitsch_BluesCatfishGoneWildsales4_startupsOkieGirl405beepsjrLerkyled_edvedder
    • 7,421
    • RETWEETS
    thugaliciousmomCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKKimberley_Codyled_edveddertjapplebourbonroadRoyceSimpson
    PAT_E_ROCKKate_GoldsmithtitsNtatertotsBlueRobotDesignYidago____________
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Hobby Lobby says no to birth control pills but yes to covering employees vasectomies, if you were wondering what it's like to be a woman.

    • 3,815
    • FAVS
    deegeemindideminatorlionessruesmilely_galheathererrrLand_of_LauraMarePCZtheamandasho_
    • 4,516
    • RETWEETS
    MiraIcykatiemrandallasrodneyoneharmlessonelionessruesofilombaHannahMBradshawjoshuab92
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.

    • 2,679
    • FAVS
    deegeemindirivalofmarsBlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildsqueakyfrommeyayaaaaa_PAT_E_ROCKJasmineJune5
    • 4,959
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildVirusinthebronxPAT_E_ROCKluisalopez4011gwrm2013led_edveddertjappleJanee_Archie
    UpturnedBathtubPelonGomis
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Justin Bieber really is our King Joffrey.

    • 3,106
    • FAVS
    lexiebadawyJacklynRoarkillthoughtsJakeWaterMongrelxolaurenhunterrmariabrian93JonesyBeGoodBlametheADHD
    • 4,171
    • RETWEETS
    Rukaya_Kmariabrian93BlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildAiyanaBautistabeaminonzioPAT_E_ROCKsarahfangirls
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    What else can be said. I guess you never know what is happening inside another human. Be kind to each other.

    • 3,236
    • FAVS
    shiver4coldplayaxipaxiEleSyronJillianm315OtisPdQbrookelynphoto_inhiding_meghanward_
    • 2,843
    • RETWEETS
    its_bandleEleSyron_meghanward_evem3281TallCanadienbeingjen_247jen1568Lovatic4EvahEva
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out.

    • 2,441
    • FAVS
    deegeemindibrewma47icarusaccountCatfishGoneWildbjburtonSQLGatorbeefarinoOhMattyBoy
    • 3,442
    • RETWEETS
    deegeemindiCatfishGoneWildNazaratHussainPAT_E_ROCKKimberley_Codyeetothgwrm2013led_edvedder
    TominusPrime
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Everyone crying at that puppy/horse commercial?? That's what PMS feels like.

    • 3,264
    • FAVS
    CatfishGoneWildmeghak_BobbyAwfulPAT_E_ROCKPAgusDAgusP______Erfquake3000MichaelEsposi11Lerky
    • 2,394
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKbbyvelociraptorsabrakadabrakabikirbyhuehuelcchandufffamilymomDakotahQuayle
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?"
    Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."

    • 2,214
    • FAVS
    jetsetjenniferCatfishGoneWildJcrouch1978ameo02Mon_Mendo420blankmanBobbyAwfulPAT_E_ROCK
    • 3,323
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildameo02Mon_MendoCrooksJDBobbyAwfulPAT_E_ROCKLyndaFernandez1TeejayRush
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine.

    • 2,004
    • FAVS
    emmazzzzzheathererrrKitsch_BluesBobbyAwfulPAT_E_ROCKMattJMartelliam_eagleLerky
    • 3,375
    • RETWEETS
    YodaTrophythugaliciousmomPAT_E_ROCKled_edveddertjappleNo_Por_FavorchristinawilderSkinnyVy
    JhonRules
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    The biggest crime is that we don't get to see Chris Farley guest spot on SNL as Rob Ford.

    • 2,160
    • FAVS
    watchdongsCatfishGoneWildCleanAdriaticAnitaDeemsSilleVionaked_dragon__PAT_E_ROCKOona_Left
    • 3,118
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKVanillaTessabiggarfyup_its_me_mVintageRaebakerfleetThisKateKre
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    FYI- This is my favorite tweet of all time. pic.twitter.com/iwYM6YQw

    • 2,883
    • FAVS
    ashhhromSamantha_ReiCatfishGoneWildUlrikaCampbellKellyScallion29PrinzAdiPigDogWhoreSilleVio
    • 2,270
    • RETWEETS
    jamiew808PigDogWhorePAT_E_ROCKLerkymxeyslyphonf3rn4n2qqual
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you.

    • 1,229
    • FAVS
    wiggles1centCatfishGoneWildPigDogWhoreSilleVioPAT_E_ROCKThecodfather209nayomeewallacexanax__plz
    • 3,562
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPigDogWhorePAT_E_ROCKAkshon_BastardchristinawildertheredsnapperCountMackulaTominusPrime
    MutedBSartist
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cee-Lo laid the egg that Lady Gaga came out of.

    • 404
    • FAVS
    wiggles1centBlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKFowntondanforthfranceHulkingMSJasonBerlin
    • 4,246
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKAdhi_EST_jeffaugustoMartinaaAdam______MEGraybush________Lord_HungwellaIeventura
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.

    • 1,766
    • FAVS
    deegeemindiKitsch_BluesJzenStreetsBlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildMrsMikePattonSilleVioryangriffiths
    • 2,758
    • RETWEETS
    deegeemindiCatfishGoneWildfavstar_historyPAT_E_ROCKElleBoynton______TheRobRetort______Withane_LindseyLABeachmom
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tila Tequila and Britney Spears new video are trending higher than Nelson Mandela and that's why we can't have nice things.

    • 1,921
    • FAVS
    BlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildFurmeister1TilsonBruhPAT_E_ROCKCaseyisRadOona_LeftErfquake3000
    • 2,413
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildIIMKristenBell____PAT_E_ROCKdanakadlectayllaaroseHawgLegHendrixkacilynnzimbohdisativa
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Trying on clothing at H&M reminds me that children are terrible at sewing.

    • 1,216
    • FAVS
    wiggles1centHannahTheGeecajunlove127CatfishGoneWildSilleVioPAT_E_ROCKRukaya_Knayomeewallace
    • 3,030
    • RETWEETS
    cajunlove127CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKRukaya_KBeeAWhyxanax__plzpampimparuqiyawarsame_
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    The flag of Mexico is a picture of an eagle eating a rattlesnake while standing on a cactus and that's why you don't fuck with a Mexican.

    • 1,435
    • FAVS
    deegeemindiadambone1991JadSaad99hinobyeeOffsideetrapAhmadRaffayBlametheADHDCatfishGoneWild
    • 2,758
    • RETWEETS
    deegeemindisceneawwnUtdH4ss4nozair70ssyySikanderSidikiMyDixonCiderOffsideetrap
@kellyoxford

@kellyoxford

New York Times Bestselling Author. I want to be the kind of girl Beyonce would be proud of. I am your Perestroika Instagram: kellyoxford