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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Gift @kellyoxford Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 30k
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    • 16k
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.

    • 3,191
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    Racquellpaoli22LaurenG2911ashleyynicoll2happyrightguyer_24Nanisnondresspetitetcsm5
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Sorry, didn't get any work done today. There were llamas and then an ugly dress. - North America

    • 6,499
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    • 4,766
    • RETWEETS
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Billy Ray Cyrus & Alan Thicke, please pick up your children.

    • 4,279
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    • 6,179
    • RETWEETS
    CoreyTamasmeganyybgeesumkristinawhite31jenidawnhaleyrosebrownBLONDEisLOVElifewith_riley
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cain, Perry, Bachmann all claimed God told them to run for President, and all are out of the race. God is hilarious.

    • 1,549
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    • 8,055
    • RETWEETS
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Christine O'Donnell: 'If evolution is real why are there still monkeys?'
    Well Christine, education is real and there are still morons.

    • 1,984
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Hobby Lobby says no to birth control pills but yes to covering employees vasectomies, if you were wondering what it's like to be a woman.

    • 3,817
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.

    • 2,717
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Justin Bieber really is our King Joffrey.

    • 3,108
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    • 4,172
    • RETWEETS
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    What else can be said. I guess you never know what is happening inside another human. Be kind to each other.

    • 3,244
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out.

    • 2,445
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Everyone crying at that puppy/horse commercial?? That's what PMS feels like.

    • 3,267
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?"
    Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."

    • 2,216
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.

    • 3,596
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine.

    • 2,008
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    The biggest crime is that we don't get to see Chris Farley guest spot on SNL as Rob Ford.

    • 2,164
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    FYI- This is my favorite tweet of all time. pic.twitter.com/iwYM6YQw

    • 2,884
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Let's just take a second to point out what is obvious about this mysterious blue/black white/gold dress: This is the ugliest dress.

    • 3,168
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you.

    • 1,234
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    It would be cool if the media would call Christians who attack abortion clinics "Christian terrorists"

    • 2,984
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@kellyoxford

@kellyoxford

Instagram & Snapchat: kellyoxford new york times and internationally bestselling author. huge fan of your work. i love Oprah and McDonalds.

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