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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.

    • 3,185
    • FAVS
    themainejoYarelbys_TuaMercy_Sarairafawhitakerssaraaa01SalimAlSamarmeganyybanyahoang99
    • 9,770
    • RETWEETS
    rafawhitakerSalimAlSamarmeganyybkrystAmacintosHAndLive2Lovewicaksuhjennywebahconnectformusic
    deegeemindiBwanaChrisSmithWit
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Sorry, didn't get any work done today. There were llamas and then an ugly dress. - North America

    • 6,238
    • FAVS
    ARonaldGibsonbookdedicationGaliSanchez11wantMY_CynabunEmilyCNicoleestee_albanbridg_wellsWhitney125
    • 4,693
    • RETWEETS
    esscdeecrackthesky27IndieBeanieKalieCattBellevivant66aphvioletCdn_BeauTeefoxoxish
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Billy Ray Cyrus & Alan Thicke, please pick up your children.

    • 4,276
    • FAVS
    LukeJEwingmeganyybdresspetitenancyhoffnerpapasunclemrs_braymanBooknerd_MommaBrewHimself
    • 6,178
    • RETWEETS
    meganyybgeesumkristinawhite31jenidawnhaleyandaddisonBLONDEisLOVElifewith_rileySal0630
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cain, Perry, Bachmann all claimed God told them to run for President, and all are out of the race. God is hilarious.

    • 1,547
    • FAVS
    DrNickColyvasWakaTimeAndLive2LovePsi_BliskanneymarieparamvoraDinaElGewelidanielfelarca
    • 8,055
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildAdhi_ESTcarbeyebchovoskibotanicalbirdcomavgurujumph4xfinlives
    RNGinxNot_From_TroyMitchBurke
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Christine O'Donnell: 'If evolution is real why are there still monkeys?'
    Well Christine, education is real and there are still morons.

    • 1,958
    • FAVS
    sales_gwilliAndLive2LoveoliviasadlierDinaElGewelianandsaysKitsch_BluesCatfishGoneWildSales4startups
    • 7,421
    • RETWEETS
    VictorTogundethugaliciousmomCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKKimberley_Codyled_edveddertjapplebourbonroad
    PAT_E_ROCKKate_GoldsmithtitsNtatertotsBlueRobotDesignYidago____________
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Hobby Lobby says no to birth control pills but yes to covering employees vasectomies, if you were wondering what it's like to be a woman.

    • 3,816
    • FAVS
    kimberly_aldanathefirstNOELaniAndLive2Lovezuhreenuh7katefrannyAimeeDaniels_deegeemindideminator
    • 4,516
    • RETWEETS
    thefirstNOELaniMiraIcykatiemrandallasrodneyoneharmlessonebooksandbaesofilombaHannahMBradshaw
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.

    • 2,694
    • FAVS
    meganyybjeenarose__CookieIsMyHeroLHGarrettgetoutgokayakJSho86jntrkyAndLive2Love
    • 4,968
    • RETWEETS
    JONUTHANCookieIsMyHerokzip798eehiivegottgilinskyloulou34f80000__steve_y78
    UpturnedBathtubPelonGomis
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Justin Bieber really is our King Joffrey.

    • 3,108
    • FAVS
    nouriasivaBLONDEisLOVEAndLive2LoveHNTorontoChelseaKaneBROoooohlaDinaElGewelilexiebadawy
    • 4,172
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveRukaya_Kmariabrian93BlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildAiyanaBautistabeaminonzioPAT_E_ROCK
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    What else can be said. I guess you never know what is happening inside another human. Be kind to each other.

    • 3,243
    • FAVS
    meganyyb_kellybpriceAndLive2LoveLNShanklinSullivankaty08liamccaDirtyJJamesSm_Investing
    • 2,843
    • RETWEETS
    connectformusicpolaroxdits_bandleEleSyron_meghanward_soulindivisionTallCanadienbeingjen_247
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out.

    • 2,444
    • FAVS
    mauimelvinDrSMartelTVonSwineAndLive2Loveuniverse_unfoldanneymarieDinaElGewelideegeemindi
    • 3,442
    • RETWEETS
    RowanHaywardPorno_Nerduniverse_unfolddeegeemindiCatfishGoneWildNazaratHussainPAT_E_ROCKKimberley_Cody
    TominusPrime
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Everyone crying at that puppy/horse commercial?? That's what PMS feels like.

    • 3,267
    • FAVS
    meganyybAndLive2LoveDinaElGeweliCatfishGoneWildmeghak_BobbyAwfulPAT_E_ROCKPAgusDAgusP______
    • 2,395
    • RETWEETS
    meganyybCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKbbyvelociraptorsabrakadabrakabikirbyhuehuelcchandufffamilymom
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?"
    Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."

    • 2,216
    • FAVS
    ErrendousAndLive2LovejetsetjenniferCatfishGoneWildJcrouch1978ameo02Mon_Mendo420blankman__
    • 3,324
    • RETWEETS
    scronk67ikyyyMichmerisingErrendousconnectformusicCatfishGoneWildameo02Mon_Mendo
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine.

    • 2,008
    • FAVS
    inojperezErrendousAndLive2LoveDinaElGeweliemmazzzzzheathererrrKitsch_BluesBobbyAwful
    • 3,377
    • RETWEETS
    inojperezErrendousYodaTrophythugaliciousmomPAT_E_ROCKled_edveddertjappleNo_Por_Favor
    JhonRules
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    The biggest crime is that we don't get to see Chris Farley guest spot on SNL as Rob Ford.

    • 2,162
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    SportsBikeCarappleparkkidsDistantTrainAndLive2LoveOhFUwCmiss_dealfinderwatchdongsCatfishGoneWild
    • 3,118
    • RETWEETS
    OhFUwCCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKVanillaTessabiggarfyup_its_me_mVintageRaebakerfleet
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    FYI- This is my favorite tweet of all time. pic.twitter.com/iwYM6YQw

    • 2,884
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    DrDMagnervokeagbairesweetpcherry11citrusoilTheWriterJessmarkdacunobacktomomoAndLive2Love
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    • RETWEETS
    sweetpcherry11And5rewThompsonjamiew808PigDogWhorePAT_E_ROCKLerkymxeyslyphon
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Let's just take a second to point out what is obvious about this mysterious blue/black white/gold dress: This is the ugliest dress.

    • 3,105
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    AmyLaflecheDoddMillsalexisMacNeillgotrlove89paschaljaniceDevil_red7MonarchoutTurngirl91
    • 1,780
    • RETWEETS
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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you.

    • 1,231
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    AndLive2Lovegobbeldygoopwiggles1centCatfishGoneWildPigDogWhoreSilleVioPAT_E_ROCKThecodfather209
    • 3,562
    • RETWEETS
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    MutedBSartist
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    It would be cool if the media would call Christians who attack abortion clinics "Christian terrorists"

    • 2,983
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    seizedthoughtsTheRealGitDowndahljsLidaGetmanskayapqrsydneyLucy__RyanCuboidCrayonbeaverhausn
    • 1,728
    • RETWEETS
    monkeysbeninjasLizPowpowCaitR89LaadyLbeaverhausnstop_this_ladyk_trayn83XTRATERRESTRIAL
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cee-Lo laid the egg that Lady Gaga came out of.

    • 405
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    AndLive2Lovewiggles1centBlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKFowntondanforthfranceHulkingMS
    • 4,246
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKAdhi_EST_jeffaugustoMartinaaAdam______MEGraybush________Lord_HungwellaIeventura
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Facebook, Instagram and Tinder are down. Twitter, let us go, we will finally be free.

    • 2,252
    • FAVS
    pqrsydneymarijabloommdjzox64PhillyJoeDalekaitmarchbrianablanchHopeDTweetssamfko
    • 2,376
    • RETWEETS
    AshBunnyyydsherb002ch0sen123nhappKtphonemarkalnwilliamstiffanyteateimsoliman23
@kellyoxford

@kellyoxford

new york times and internationally bestselling author. huge fan of your work. never paid for boobs. Instagram: kellyoxford

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