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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.

    • 3,172
    • FAVS
    AlexashkaDRtitalopez95SteveDutzyandyeriksonChrisAsh_03ashbuss3gwrm2013led_edvedder
    • 9,758
    • RETWEETS
    ClassicKimbaled_edveddertjappleKathy_YnsJoelleGhaddar1itsAmeliaaaaaaaRealistchickkCADreaming_
    SmithWit
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Billy Ray Cyrus & Alan Thicke, please pick up your children.

    • 4,270
    • FAVS
    Lerkyled_edveddertjappleFreewilly209nayomeewallaceEllieeeEvansfrannywriteslawilliams1963
    • 6,174
    • RETWEETS
    ClassicKimbaled_edveddertjappleellie_glezsarakelly1601DawnLovesZombieLydieGsthunterrun2020
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cain, Perry, Bachmann all claimed God told them to run for President, and all are out of the race. God is hilarious.

    • 1,541
    • FAVS
    Big_Tuck_LerkyEvanMoyleJDRossIVnayomeewallaceConstantlyjoshDWFKEngageTheRebels
    • 8,054
    • RETWEETS
    Adhi_ESTcarbeyebchovoskibotanicalbirdcomavgurujumph4xfinlivesMartinaaAdam______
    jaminLawNot_From_TroyMitchBurke
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Christine O'Donnell: 'If evolution is real why are there still monkeys?'
    Well Christine, education is real and there are still morons.

    • 1,948
    • FAVS
    Lerkyled_edveddertjappleEvanMoylejasonburnsnayomeewallacecjaaasTheGCU
    • 7,418
    • RETWEETS
    ClassicKimbaled_edveddertjapplebourbonroadRoyceSimpsonGettCoupedmark2410ffejy462
    Kate_GoldsmithtitsNtatertotsBlueRobotDesignYidago____________
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.

    • 2,672
    • FAVS
    JasmineLuminousgwrm2013Lerkylesterfreamonled_edveddertjappleFreewilly209StupidHumansUSA
    • 4,956
    • RETWEETS
    luisalopez4011gwrm2013led_edveddertjappleJanee_ArchieBigRetweetsStupidHumansUSAEngageTheRebels
    ActingAnEejitPelonGomis
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Justin Bieber really is our King Joffrey.

    • 3,101
    • FAVS
    Han_NolokyungsoojpgdocumentJulisaMhSofyLaetitiaemmyluffagusLerkyDHillis41
    • 4,168
    • RETWEETS
    smazzagattiiClassicKimba97youngdudeHan_NolokyungsoojpgJulisaMhhayXvictoria92wendallbones
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out.

    • 2,437
    • FAVS
    gibby33Lerkyled_edveddertjappleMarcusMethodDWFKwetflick__obviousobscure
    • 3,439
    • RETWEETS
    ClassicKimbaeetothgwrm2013led_edveddertjappleBlondie_MinrowFakedelobviousobscure
    TominusPrime
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Everyone crying at that puppy/horse commercial?? That's what PMS feels like.

    • 3,262
    • FAVS
    PAgusDAgusP__Erfquake3000MichaelEsposi11LerkyaboccarossenaShMcCabesachiocooksabrakadabra
    • 2,392
    • RETWEETS
    garcia_tina78sabrakadabraKABIKIRBYHUEHUElcchandufffamilymomDakotahQuayleTripleJnSGariginovna
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?"
    Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."

    • 2,211
    • FAVS
    ekekedRukaya_KOona_LeftventivodkacranTeejayRushStudyTechniquesMaram_Fayolanda90821
    • 3,320
    • RETWEETS
    LyndaFernandez1TeejayRushLama_FBMaram_FaHorus_Krestos_nowpatrolMaybe_Tumorrowgwb24
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine.

    • 2,001
    • FAVS
    MattJMartelliam_eagleLerkyled_edveddertjappleEvanMoylenayomeewallaceFownton
    • 3,373
    • RETWEETS
    led_edveddertjappleNo_Por_FavorchristinawilderSkinnyVyEndroit_NinjaKitten___osuroll
    JhonRules
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    The biggest crime is that we don't get to see Chris Farley guest spot on SNL as Rob Ford.

    • 2,158
    • FAVS
    Oona_LeftLerkyjacksonnfarmerOohshenakedbiggarfMellicubedSydneyElizahbsnelling
    • 3,116
    • RETWEETS
    VanillaTessabiggarfMellicubedVintageRaebakerfleetThisKateKreSadieFKatzNamachinder
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    FYI- This is my favorite tweet of all time. pic.twitter.com/iwYM6YQw

    • 2,881
    • FAVS
    CrackedIllusionAlexReekiecrikeypantsWildeThingyAnnahoggAnnaMarloMeekinsjeanscoraoke
    • 2,269
    • RETWEETS
    Lerkymxeyslyphonf3rn4n2qqualluzandrea93LindeChristinaVelvetVelour_
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you.

    • 1,224
    • FAVS
    Freewilly209nayomeewallacexanax__plzConstantlyjoshFowntonchristinawilderblogger_dadPhilthysaurus
    • 3,560
    • RETWEETS
    Akshon_BastardchristinawildertheredsnapperCountMackulaTominusPrimerockjock66__Adhi_ESTElvishCostello
    MutedBSartist
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.

    • 1,763
    • FAVS
    shrike45EvanMoylenayomeewallaceDWFKFowntonTheRobRetort______MakhouleenBrendaBren
    • 2,755
    • RETWEETS
    ElleBoyntonTheRobRetort______Withane_LindseyLABeachmomchristinawildermazzystar81SHE_HULK1228ameliaefrench
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tila Tequila and Britney Spears new video are trending higher than Nelson Mandela and that's why we can't have nice things.

    • 1,919
    • FAVS
    Oona_LeftErfquake3000sasslenaFuzzyJimbobkatmaroonerJPunk00LpsFluffy_puppyIMAmandaFernan
    • 2,411
    • RETWEETS
    danakadlectayllaaroseHawgLegHendrixkacilynnzimbohdisativaMistah_MistaZenko_KitsuneMiVidaMama
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Trying on clothing at H&M reminds me that children are terrible at sewing.

    • 1,210
    • FAVS
    Rukaya_KnayomeewallaceTeeenThoughtsxanax__plz_dollfin____Jelenaxoxo_ctrljpgbrookedelrey
    • 3,028
    • RETWEETS
    Rukaya_KBeeAWhyxanax__plzpampimpabitxhgoddesssamxr_ZAYANNIYAZbarrycharlotte
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    The flag of Mexico is a picture of an eagle eating a rattlesnake while standing on a cactus and that's why you don't fuck with a Mexican.

    • 1,432
    • FAVS
    michelliemattsConstantlyjoshelianachaviraawescardanforthfrancealemranerosteevzstubsCountMackula
    • 2,754
    • RETWEETS
    K_PonceughhevaCountMackulakayhrnndztalkscrazycutelatinagirlbeejolilaceeycakess
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    I'll say it again:
    1. Put on a bear costume.
    2. Tear apart the tents of people camping in line for Black Friday shopping.

    • 1,849
    • FAVS
    paulrnccartneyRabbits2UannabopeepFredPollackyogaliciouspdxmags_and_samsonkhudsmaridadiani
    • 2,139
    • RETWEETS
    KimMarie_777______JennBraidWowSRuzickathatgirl328Waylornicredtapemediaellenperaltaposix4e
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cee-Lo laid the egg that Lady Gaga came out of.

    • 400
    • FAVS
    FowntondanforthfranceHulkingMSJasonBerlinDonnie_FairburnJumpingJesusHjoeltovar98______lwhit_the_boss
    • 3,553
    • RETWEETS
    Adhi_ESTjeffaugusto_MartinaaAdam______MEGraybush________Lord_HungwellaIeventuraMyNameIsEggoPontxo_
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Just so everyone is aware: If your kid drowns in the family pool, you totally don't have to hide the body. #CaseyAnthony #closingarguments

    • 471
    • FAVS
    JumpingJesusHlwhit_the_bossPelonGomismoiragallagaTeeS900__________AndLive2LovedesignersaysSaraThomas84
    • 3,442
    • RETWEETS
    Adhi_ESTMartinaaAdam______aIeventurabrownpoopypantsTehPucukIDZippy522BlaqkWolfHeyBedda
@kellyoxford

@kellyoxford

I want to be the kind of girl Beyonce would be proud of. New York Times Bestselling Author. Screenwriter. I am your Perestroika. Instagram: kellyoxford