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If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.
Sorry, didn't get any work done today. There were llamas and then an ugly dress. - North America
Billy Ray Cyrus & Alan Thicke, please pick up your children.
Cain, Perry, Bachmann all claimed God told them to run for President, and all are out of the race. God is hilarious.
Christine O'Donnell: 'If evolution is real why are there still monkeys?'
Well Christine, education is real and there are still morons.
Hobby Lobby says no to birth control pills but yes to covering employees vasectomies, if you were wondering what it's like to be a woman.
Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.
Justin Bieber really is our King Joffrey.
What else can be said. I guess you never know what is happening inside another human. Be kind to each other.
TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out.
Everyone crying at that puppy/horse commercial?? That's what PMS feels like.
When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?"
Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."
Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine.
The biggest crime is that we don't get to see Chris Farley guest spot on SNL as Rob Ford.
Let's just take a second to point out what is obvious about this mysterious blue/black white/gold dress: This is the ugliest dress.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you.
It would be cool if the media would call Christians who attack abortion clinics "Christian terrorists"
Cee-Lo laid the egg that Lady Gaga came out of.
Facebook, Instagram and Tinder are down. Twitter, let us go, we will finally be free.
new york times and internationally bestselling author. huge fan of your work. never paid for boobs. Instagram: kellyoxford
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