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  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.

    • 3,184
    • FAVS
    anyahoang99AndLive2LoveconnectformusicMariamElSouriHollysaysrawrrDinaElGewelikyyyyweeLiz_pell2
    • 9,769
    • RETWEETS
    krystAmacintosHAndLive2LoveadindwicakjennywebahconnectformusicCrazyEnadeegeemindisee8875
    deegeemindiBwanaChrisSmithWit
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Billy Ray Cyrus & Alan Thicke, please pick up your children.

    • 4,276
    • FAVS
    nancyhoffnerpapasunclemrs_braymanBooknerd_MommaBrewHimselfHifiveStevSal0630AndLive2Love
    • 6,177
    • RETWEETS
    geesumkristinawhite31jenidawnhaleyandaddisonBLONDEisLOVElifewith_rileySal0630AndLive2Love
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cain, Perry, Bachmann all claimed God told them to run for President, and all are out of the race. God is hilarious.

    • 1,547
    • FAVS
    DrNickColyvasWakaTimeAndLive2LovePsi_BliskanneymarieparamvoraDinaElGewelidvfelarca
    • 8,055
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildAdhi_ESTcarbeyebchovoskibotanicalbirdcomavgurujumph4xfinlives
    RNGinxNot_From_TroyMitchBurke
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Christine O'Donnell: 'If evolution is real why are there still monkeys?'
    Well Christine, education is real and there are still morons.

    • 1,958
    • FAVS
    sales_gwilliAndLive2LoveoliviasadlierDinaElGewelianandsaysKitsch_BluesCatfishGoneWildSales4startups
    • 7,421
    • RETWEETS
    VictorTogundethugaliciousmomCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKKimberley_Codyled_edveddertjapplebourbonroad
    PAT_E_ROCKKate_GoldsmithtitsNtatertotsBlueRobotDesignYidago____________
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Hobby Lobby says no to birth control pills but yes to covering employees vasectomies, if you were wondering what it's like to be a woman.

    • 3,816
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Lovezuhreenuh7katefrannyAimeeDaniels_deegeemindideminatorjamesbondgirl02smilely_gal
    • 4,516
    • RETWEETS
    MiraIcykatiemrandallasrodneyoneharmlessonejamesbondgirl02sofilombaHannahMBradshawjoshuab92
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.

    • 2,692
    • FAVS
    TougherThanBSLHGarrettgetoutgokayakJSho86jntrkyAndLive2Loveconnectformusicgottgilinsky
    • 4,968
    • RETWEETS
    JONUTHANTougherThanBSkzip798eehiivegottgilinskyloulou34f80000__steve_y78
    UpturnedBathtubPelonGomis
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Justin Bieber really is our King Joffrey.

    • 3,108
    • FAVS
    nouriasivaBLONDEisLOVEAndLive2LoveHNTorontoChelseaKaneBROoooohlaDinaElGewelilexiebadawy
    • 4,172
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveRukaya_Kmariabrian93BlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildAiyanaBautistabeaminonzioPAT_E_ROCK
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    What else can be said. I guess you never know what is happening inside another human. Be kind to each other.

    • 3,242
    • FAVS
    kelly_b_priceAndLive2LoveLNShanklinSullivankaty08liamccaDirtyJJamesSm_Investingclairekroeger
    • 2,843
    • RETWEETS
    connectformusicpolaroxdits_bandleEleSyron_meghanward_soulindivisionTallCanadienbeingjen_247
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out.

    • 2,444
    • FAVS
    DrSMartelTVonSwineAndLive2Loveuniverse_unfoldanneymarieDinaElGewelideegeemindibrewma47
    • 3,442
    • RETWEETS
    RowanHaywardPorno_Nerduniverse_unfolddeegeemindiCatfishGoneWildNazaratHussainPAT_E_ROCKKimberley_Cody
    TominusPrime
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Everyone crying at that puppy/horse commercial?? That's what PMS feels like.

    • 3,266
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LoveDinaElGeweliCatfishGoneWildmeghak_BobbyAwfulPAT_E_ROCKPAgusDAgusP______Erfquake3000
    • 2,394
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKbbyvelociraptorsabrakadabrakabikirbyhuehuelcchandufffamilymomDakotahQuayle
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?"
    Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."

    • 2,216
    • FAVS
    ErrendousAndLive2LovejetsetjenniferCatfishGoneWildJcrouch1978ameo02Mon_Mendo420blankman
    • 3,324
    • RETWEETS
    ikyyyMichmerisingErrendousconnectformusicCatfishGoneWildameo02Mon_MendoCrooksJD
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine.

    • 2,008
    • FAVS
    inojperezErrendousAndLive2LoveDinaElGeweliemmazzzzzheathererrrKitsch_BluesBobbyAwful
    • 3,377
    • RETWEETS
    inojperezErrendousYodaTrophythugaliciousmomPAT_E_ROCKled_edveddertjappleNo_Por_Favor
    JhonRules
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    The biggest crime is that we don't get to see Chris Farley guest spot on SNL as Rob Ford.

    • 2,161
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LoveOhFUwCmiss_dealfinderwatchdongsCatfishGoneWildCleanAdriaticAnitaDeemsSilleVio
    • 3,118
    • RETWEETS
    OhFUwCCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKVanillaTessabiggarfyup_its_me_mVintageRaebakerfleet
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    FYI- This is my favorite tweet of all time. pic.twitter.com/iwYM6YQw

    • 2,884
    • FAVS
    markdacunobacktomomoAndLive2LoveMitchSabensTheJReesepirategrltkissssashhhrom
    • 2,270
    • RETWEETS
    And5rewThompsonjamiew808PigDogWhorePAT_E_ROCKLerkymxeyslyphonf3rn4n2
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you.

    • 1,231
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Loveamaleeeeeeeeewiggles1centCatfishGoneWildPigDogWhoreSilleVioPAT_E_ROCKThecodfather209
    • 3,562
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPigDogWhorePAT_E_ROCKAkshon_BastardchristinawildertheredsnapperCountMackulaTominusPrime
    MutedBSartist
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Cee-Lo laid the egg that Lady Gaga came out of.

    • 405
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Lovewiggles1centBlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKFowntondanforthfranceHulkingMS
    • 4,246
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKAdhi_EST_jeffaugustoMartinaaAdam______MEGraybush________Lord_HungwellaIeventura
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    It would be cool if the media would call Christians who attack abortion clinics "Christian terrorists"

    • 2,911
    • FAVS
    mikesbloggityjennykay34MomoJadechristinarussoJulestasticasquirrelmittenkbernaldezianMySharona1987
    • 1,711
    • RETWEETS
    SnowfireTRSIanJames007CharleeBartlettlovelyjessijJeffMathTweetsDannyMarkhNateLikesButtselizabethsmilee
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.

    • 1,766
    • FAVS
    M1D1R2C1deegeemindiKitsch_BluesJzenStreetsBlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildMrsMikePattonSilleVio
    • 2,758
    • RETWEETS
    deegeemindiCatfishGoneWildfavstar_historyPAT_E_ROCKElleBoynton______TheRobRetort______Withane_LindseyLABeachmom
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Tila Tequila and Britney Spears new video are trending higher than Nelson Mandela and that's why we can't have nice things.

    • 1,921
    • FAVS
    BlametheADHDCatfishGoneWildFurmeister1TilsonBruhPAT_E_ROCKCaseyisRadOona_LeftErfquake3000
    • 2,413
    • RETWEETS
    CatfishGoneWildIIMKristenBell____PAT_E_ROCKdanakadlectayllaaroseHawgLegHendrixkacilynnzimJuliusSkeeezer
  • kellyoxford
      kelly oxford @kellyoxford

    Trying on clothing at H&M reminds me that children are terrible at sewing.

    • 1,219
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LoveIlanaCTKerfuckuswiggles1centHannahTheGeecajunlove127CatfishGoneWildSilleVio
    • 3,030
    • RETWEETS
    paisleyboxerscajunlove127CatfishGoneWildPAT_E_ROCKRukaya_KBeeAWhyxanax__plz__pampimpa
@kellyoxford

@kellyoxford

new york times and internationally bestselling author. huge fan of your work. never paid for boobs. Instagram: kellyoxford