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If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.
Billy Ray Cyrus & Alan Thicke, please pick up your children.
Cain, Perry, Bachmann all claimed God told them to run for President, and all are out of the race. God is hilarious.
Christine O'Donnell: 'If evolution is real why are there still monkeys?'
Well Christine, education is real and there are still morons.
Hobby Lobby says no to birth control pills but yes to covering employees vasectomies, if you were wondering what it's like to be a woman.
Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.
Justin Bieber really is our King Joffrey.
TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out.
Everyone crying at that puppy/horse commercial?? That's what PMS feels like.
When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?"
Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."
Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine.
The biggest crime is that we don't get to see Chris Farley guest spot on SNL as Rob Ford.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you.
Cee-Lo laid the egg that Lady Gaga came out of.
Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.
Tila Tequila and Britney Spears new video are trending higher than Nelson Mandela and that's why we can't have nice things.
Trying on clothing at H&M reminds me that children are terrible at sewing.
The flag of Mexico is a picture of an eagle eating a rattlesnake while standing on a cactus and that's why you don't fuck with a Mexican.
Just so everyone is aware: If your kid drowns in the family pool, you totally don't have to hide the body. #CaseyAnthony #closingarguments
I want to be the kind of girl Beyonce would be proud of. New York Times Bestselling Author. I am your Perestroika. Instagram: kellyoxford