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If I had a double mastectomy no one would notice.
I bet if Amy Winehouse had changed her name to Amy Lemonadehouse, she’d still be alive today.
In rap videos it's weird how no one is bothered by the creepy guy at the pool party filming butts with his own personal video camera.
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
Growing up, I had a dog that almost died after he ate a shopping bag full of cinnamon rolls. After this holiday, I feel bad for judging him.
Previously on Homeland is a way better show than Homeland.
Sigur Ros is like Sade for whales.
Joe Biden always sorta looks like a guy who would've dated Blanche Devereaux on The Golden Girls.
My wife just dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?" & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.
There are literally two stores within a one mile radius of my house where I can buy designer tepees. #silverlake
It's nice knowing that even the most idiotic thing you've done today has already been eclipsed by the guy who just bought an iPhone 4S.
Face-to-face sex with Patrick Ewing is the number one fear of all Americans.
Guns don’t kill people. People who say “Guns don’t kill people” kill people. With guns.
Stripping > Acting
Tough guys who wear sunglasses on the back of their head are covering their “gay eyes” that are checking out other dudes’ dongs.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Just leaned into my friend and asked, "Who is THAT?" about a two year old.
My 3 yr old just saw a statue of a naked woman and asked me why she didn't have a pull-up on.
People who don't have children can never fully understand the joy of not having children.
New York Times & #1 International Bestselling Author. Screenwriter. Designed to make you feel like everything is going well. I am your Perestroika.