if i were a fruit id be a cantaloupe because I'm a big piece of shit

i would DO ANYTHING to be thinner, except eat less and not drink.

waiting for the cable guy. i hope when he arrives he doesnt try to have anal sex with me like i saw happen in that web documentary.

tea party members have started sticking anti-obama post its to gas pumps. which would be a good idea if it wasnt a fucking retarded idea.

just did the "whats up" head nod to a bottle of maple syrup on the counter. so i guess whats up is im lonely and i like waffles.

I saw a girl walking who looked very sad and the first thing I thought was "I can look way sadder"

was just thinking how much more shitty and horrible my life would be if there were left and right socks.

I bet if I put sunglasses on a bag of Doritos and walk around with it, I'd get asked to some parties.

i saw a homeless man w/no hands & it made me realize how fortunate i am to have eyes. then i went to starbucks & yelled at the barista

If any of you have security footage of a mannequin coming to life at night- keep it to yourself! i already have enough to worry about

i told my cat to shut his "meowth" and he didn't laugh even a little. meowth! like a mouth that meows! Come on!

Fuck it. I'm gonna sign up for the cream of wheat newsletter

Why do you guys think washington couldn't tell a lie? The only reason I can come up with is he was cursed by a goblin.

i went to flush my pee & i saw a spider in the toilet so either i have spiders in my vagina or...thats all it could be! IM FREAKING OUT

If semen came out exactly like silly string, I'd spend a bit more time watching porn.

I accidentally went to a party once w/out my phone so to avoid human interaction I pretended to look for something in a couch for 3 hours

i need a better reason to get out of bed. right now all i have is "go buy some oreos"

Guys, please dont refer to your semen as gravy. Unless it really is gravy, and in that case you're my dream man!

is it weird to pretend youre making ice cream for the sewer people when you have diarrhea? i dont do that, just wondering.

Said "nice titties, ma'am" too loud and had some 'splainin to do to this lady with nice titties.