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WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
So sad to think of all those bright-eyed young Reaganites who had no idea they'd someday have to side with either the Russians or the gays.
Just saw a tired 2-year-old throwing a huge GamerGate on the floor of the grocery store.
Hope Japan beats England. I like our odds when the U.S. beats Germany and then moves on to Japan.
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.
Twitter is the best way ever invented to tell jokes to thousands of people who don't like or understand jokes.
I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
APPLE: Have you ever been kayaking?
2ND APPLE: No.
APPLE: I hear it's really good for your core.
2ND APPLE: I don't want to be in this tweet
BREAKING: Redditors unable to locate Boston bombers, clitoris
Ah, Southern governors vowing to fight on after a Supreme Court ruling. That takes me back.
Watching Broad City with my wife is always a cool chance to hear about how she loves Hannibal Buress & would leave me for Hannibal Buress
Listen pal, you can tell I love America because my main hobby is nostalgia for a failed, bloody, treasonous insurrection against America.
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
ME: I love watching tennis
—I know, those guys are so athletic!
—Did you say "and erotic"?
no, I said, uh, "Andy Roddick"
I like those fish-shaped soy sauce containers bc I can make this barfing noise when I squirt it on the sushi. Hi I won 74 times on Jeopardy
Jeopardy! fixture of yesteryear. Author of the Junior Genius Guides and a bunch of other stuff. http://ken-jennings.com/books
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