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Any babies you produce are the sole property of the National Football League. Any other use is strictly prohibited.
Twitter is the best way ever invented to tell jokes to thousands of people who don't like or understand jokes.
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
So sad to think of all those bright-eyed young Reaganites who had no idea they'd someday have to side with either the Russians or the gays.
Just saw a tired 2-year-old throwing a huge GamerGate on the floor of the grocery store.
Hope Japan beats England. I like our odds when the U.S. beats Germany and then moves on to Japan.
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.
APPLE: Have you ever been kayaking?
2ND APPLE: No.
APPLE: I hear it's really good for your core.
2ND APPLE: I don't want to be in this tweet
Residents of the greater Denver area: YOU MAY BEGIN THE UNPROTECTED PENETRATIVE SEX
I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
"Not tonight," thinks Neil deGrasse Tyson, sadly filing away his list of rocketry errors in "Space Oddity."
It can't be a good sign that every fan who has seen the new Star Wars movie died shortly thereafter.
BREAKING: Redditors unable to locate Boston bombers, clitoris
Ah, Southern governors vowing to fight on after a Supreme Court ruling. That takes me back.
Jeopardy! fixture of yesteryear. Author of the Junior Genius Guides and a bunch of other stuff. *KEN, IT'S THE YEAR OF THE MONKEY* http://ken-jennings.com/books
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