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WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
So sad to think of all those bright-eyed young Reaganites who had no idea they'd someday have to side with either the Russians or the gays.
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.
BREAKING: Redditors unable to locate Boston bombers, clitoris
Twitter is the best way ever invented to tell jokes to thousands of people who don't like or understand jokes.
' Śtiḷl tr̾ͪ̀́͘y̶̧̨̱̹̭ͧinǥ to ġęt ᵺê han͛ͪ̈g of twe͖͉̩̟͛͆̾ͫ̑͆̍ͫͥͨḙͯ̿̔͑̾̾ting wít̨̥̫͎h a ḟo̗uᶇẗaiṋ p҉̯͈͕en. ' .
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
Everybody get your hurricane jokes out TODAY while it's just killing Haitians and not white people yet
Nothing is stopping you victims from doing what I did: get wealthy parents to pay for a useless liberal arts degree, then go on a game show.
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
Liam Neeson is here at the zoo punching wolves. Nobody knows what to do. My kids are crying.
Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell "definitely."
If honey bottles come in the shape of a bear, ranch dressing bottles should come in the shape of a fat Midwestern dad named Alan.
Protip: if you're ever stranded somewhere and don't have AAA, text stuff like "yeah 9/11" and "Allah akbar" TO ANY NUMBER for a free pickup!
Big night for Romney tomorrow! (He has never met a black man before.)
Ken Jennings is the author of four books, most recently Because I Said So! Your grandma loves/hates him because he was on Jeopardy! for a long time.