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Twitter is the best way ever invented to tell jokes to thousands of people who don't like or understand jokes.
Nobody loves Double Jeopardy more than me, except maybe O.J.
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
So sad to think of all those bright-eyed young Reaganites who had no idea they'd someday have to side with either the Russians or the gays.
I can't believe Donald Trump won the state that is Donald Trump in state form.
Just saw a tired 2-year-old throwing a huge GamerGate on the floor of the grocery store.
Oh so NOW Jeb Bush is willing to pull the plug when someone's on life support.
Hope Japan beats England. I like our odds when the U.S. beats Germany and then moves on to Japan.
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.
APPLE: Have you ever been kayaking?
2ND APPLE: No.
APPLE: I hear it's really good for your core.
2ND APPLE: I don't want to be in this tweet
Residents of the greater Denver area: YOU MAY BEGIN THE UNPROTECTED PENETRATIVE SEX
I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
Han Solo's ship should be called the Millennial Falcon because it hardly ever works. Lol jk kids, sorry we wrecked the country for you
Jeopardy! fixture of yesteryear. Author of the Junior Genius Guides and a bunch of other stuff. http://ken-jennings.com/books
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