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WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
So sad to think of all those bright-eyed young Reaganites who had no idea they'd someday have to side with either the Russians or the gays.
Just saw a tired 2-year-old throwing a huge GamerGate on the floor of the grocery store.
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.
I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
Twitter is the best way ever invented to tell jokes to thousands of people who don't like or understand jokes.
APPLE: Have you ever been kayaking?
2ND APPLE: No.
APPLE: I hear it's really good for your core.
2ND APPLE: I don't want to be in this tweet
BREAKING: Redditors unable to locate Boston bombers, clitoris
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
I like those fish-shaped soy sauce containers bc I can make this barfing noise when I squirt it on the sushi. Hi I won 74 times on Jeopardy
' Śtiḷl tr̾ͪ̀́͘y̶̧̨̱̹̭ͧinǥ to ġęt ᵺê han͛ͪ̈g of twe͖͉̩̟͛͆̾ͫ̑͆̍ͫͥͨḙͯ̿̔͑̾̾ting wít̨̥̫͎h a ḟo̗uᶇẗaiṋ p҉̯͈͕en. ' .
All those years I spent not liking cilantro, it turns out that what I really needed to learn to like...was myself.
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
Jeopardy! fixture of yesteryear. Author of the Junior Genius Guides and a bunch of other stuff. http://ken-jennings.com/books