I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

I am two women away from a three way.

I like walking around the house naked. I just have to make sure it is my house next time.

I star tweets, because I remember how important those stars were in kindergarten.

My girlfriend and I were happy for 18 years, then we met.

I am getting old. When I fall, my friends don't laugh anymore, they get concerned.

I remember the first time I had sex. I just found the receipt. ;)

They should play porn movies at the gas station, so I can watch someone else getting screwed.

I am a gentleman...







..... Based on the clubs I go to.

I wish my English papers were 140 characters or less.

Ever notice when you let someone walk in front of your car at a stop sign, the longer they take, the more they look like bowling pins?

Ever notice that people with bad breathe always has a secret to tell you.

My New Years toast: Here is to being single, seeing double, thinking positive and testing negative. ;)

I have a tattoo on my penis that says "I love you". My girlfriend says I am always putting words in her mouth. ;)

I like asking people what is a Shake Weight, then watch them do the "jerking off" motion.

In Facebook, you receive friend requests. In Twitter, you receive friend with benefit requests. I have to check my DM.

You know when a woman is about to dump you: she loses weight, she goes out with her friends more, and she sells your stuff on eBay.

We must stop species from becoming extinct, like polar bears, manatee, and women who give blow jobs after marriage. ;-)

I wonder if Superman gave a flying fuck.

A cop pulled me over. He asked if I was drinking. I asked if he was buying.