How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!

If any psycho girls wanna go out tonight, just text me 100 times.

When I was in high school, bullied kids never committed suicide.
They just grew up....and became cops.

What do you guys think about Anal Bleaching? I mean, as a baby name.

Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

Girls who hang out with gay men are called "Fag Hags"

So guys who hang out with lesbians are called "Lez-Bro's"

Done and Done!

Went from 30 followers to over 2,000 in a month. Ask me how!

(Just kidding. Go fuck yourself loser!)

Hey dudes wearing jean shorts....
Look around! Look the fuck around!!!

Ironically, most guys in cowboy hats are Mexicans and guys that don't like Mexicans.

Today I cleaned my house and jerked off 4 times. So basically its like every other day except that I cleaned.

A pierced eyebrow is a good way to let people know that you've had an abortion.

Went to a new club, but an hour into the night I finally noticed that everyone in there was gay except for me & the dude I was dancing with.

Dear "victims" of cyber-bullying,
So what you're telling us is that you are an even bigger pussy on the Internet than you are in real life?

I live by 3 phrases, "Settle down", "Ah fuck it" and "Smell this".

Spinning rims are a great way to let people know that you thought you were something in 2003 but now you're broke.

I've been taking a yoga class for 3 weeks now and I still can't suck my own dick yet.

RIPOFF!!!!

Had some Cheetos with lunch and now I look like I finger banged Snookie.

Fucking spellcheck changed "I love you more than anything " to "You're sucking the life out of me you cunt!".

Didn't go over well.

Having rims that are worth more than your car is a great way to show people you have horrible credit.