i brought a knife to a knife fight. i stabbed the shit out of that fucker and won. not sure why you guys keep bringing other stuff.

my son told me one of his life goals is to pee off of something so high, he finishes before any hits the ground. that's my boy!

i don't just want to talk to you. i want to whisper to you.

i am willing to shove my tongue into most of your mouths because w/ all the alcohol, they have to be clean. right?

i really don't understand you. and i am not sure i want to try anymore.

there is another kerry at work, so i suggested they call me pretty pretty princess. i was trying to be helpful, but they seem annoyed...

my next twitter project is to @ mention all those twitter says are similar to me, to congratulate them.

Penis skin is so soft and smooth. Is that what all the lotion is about?

it took every bit of strength i possess to not end a letter at work with "suck on that, bitches!"

i'm pretty sure i am an idiot. but what do i know? i'm an idiot.

i was never sure it was my heart he was interested in.

i can't quite convince my kids i know what i am doing i have smart kids.

i hate the "your twitter crush" tweets. they just remind me that my inability to limit myself to one makes me a bit of a twitter slut.

cum after me, tiger.

none of us are perfect, except....except sometimes someone thinks you are.

You guys are fun.

my son said he vomited violently. i said violent vomit would be a good band name. what would he play? he said he'd just vomit. he's the best

i wish i could sit next to me at work. i am loads of fun. and i always share my peanut m&ms.

my hair smells really good.......flavor is underwhelming, though

kiss me. i'm irish.