Never judge a tweeter by their follower count.

When I see your typos, I glance at my keyboard to see how far apart the right/wrong letters are from one another. Then, I judge you.

If you're easily offended by the words of a stranger on the internet, you should reevaluate your self-worth. Loser.

Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS fucking you?!"

If her last name is hyphenated, she's probably got a LOT of opinions.

Its not because we're soulmates.
I finish all your sentences because you talk too fucking slow!

When a girl squeezes my hand harder than I anticipated, I punch her right in the dick.

Ladies, if he's ever complimented you, he's jerked off to you.

Talking dirty is great, until you have to repeat yourself.
Then you just feel stupid.

I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors.
Gonna ask them if they've accepted Verizon as their Internet Service Provider.

If my dog could talk, he'd say, "Dude, you're fucking high." If my cat could talk, he'd say, "Dude, you don't have a fucking dog."

Careful with people's hearts. For some, it's an Etch-n-Sketch. For others, wet cement. You'll never know the impression you've made.

If a guy had sex with twin females & both got pregnant, would their babies look alike?

This is what keeps me up at night.

TOP 5 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE LAZY:

1.

Do you know what happens to guys who don't eat pussy?
They become ex-boyfriends.

She may be faking her orgasms, but I'm pretending she's someone else.

I never met so many strangers I genuinely liked until I got a Twitter account.

Once you realize nobody cares, you can begin to live your life for yourself, and not for the "audience" you thought was watching.

Little kids ask questions like they've been smoking weed.

Fact: No man has ever seen an entire porn. Ever.