I refused to allow my doctor to diagnose me with OCD. Acronyms must contain an even number of letters.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, "My twitter girls would do that"

I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

My wife is the human version of autocorrect.

You should see the look on a gas station attendant's face when you ask for directions to the nearest gas station.

My wife always compliments me after an argument. "I couldn't have married a bigger dick"

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That's how I get the good meds...

Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."

Hey newbies. Welcome to the wonderful world of twitter.

Your days as a productive member of society are over.

Thank you Twitter. Finally there's a group of people that get me without first saying "You have the right to remain silent"

Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.

I can relate to any sports team that has trouble scoring.

Just learned BUMBLING means "wandering around without purpose." I now have a one word job description.

Wife: Why are you on twitter? Me: Some people think I’m fucking funny. Wife: I've been telling you for years that you fuck funny.

My wife said I never help with the household chores. Obviously, she hasn't noticed how spotless the TV screen is.

Don't feel sorry for my wife. I've had to live with me longer than she has.

I found the book I was reading before twitter. I feel so Indiana Jones right now.

My wife doesn't mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

If anyone ever walks a mile in my shoes I'm counting that as exercise.