Rush Limbaugh is what's created when the formula that made Swamp Thing is instead poured over YouTube comments and a glazed ham.

Every time Guy Fieri forgets to call it "Hotlanta" Chester Cheetah magically appears to remove one flame from his shirt.

I want to show up at a party with a guitar case and watch everyone frown, then pop open the case and it's full of tacos and everyone cheers.

I brought a knife to a gun fight. We all LAUGHED. Like, hello, it's Sunday, gun fight night, not Wednesday! LOL. Also, I got shot real bad.

For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn. Kid picky. Glad gone. For summer. In prison! Just kidding. It died. From embarrassment. And murder.

The secret to Ricky Gervais's weight loss is a diet of nothing but low hanging fruit.

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there's no racism problem?

Enough. This weekend everybody pulls two of their friends aside, at random, and tells them they're not actually good at photography. Deal?

Twitter needs a "settle down" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.

At this point, even Occam's razor has five extra blades and a hydrating gel strip.

Best part of the Hulk Hogan sex tape is when he's seemingly done, then throws up the Hogan finger wag before fucking with a renewed fury.

I liked Lincoln until the third time he flipped a coin and said, "Penny for your thoughts?" then winked and held the coin up to the camera.

I've never grabbed less than fifteen napkins.

Me saying "Hey, it's not a contest." is a pretty good indication you've just defeated me in a contest.

Watching the debate on Spike was a mistake. So far it's just some goateed guy explaining how to get laid in a voting booth? #Debates

Sometimes I run with weights in hands to increase workout. But to not overtrain, I run less. Or not at all. Sometimes the weights are candy.

I hope there's a scene in The Expendables 2 where Stallone is just eating a bowl of guns.

Very disappointed to hear Obama is a terrorist, from my uncle just now. Imagine news will make its way thru official channels soon. Sad day.

First I was like "WHOA this cat writes!" but then I saw 2nd line. Look close. He didn't write that shit! Uh no thanks. pic.twitter.com/tWZYw5nO

They cut away fast but when Romney sat down a stream of loose diamonds spilled out of his pocket onto the floor. #debate