Happy St. Patr- [throw up throw up sexual harassment punch a cop fall asleep in times square]

The CIA finally destroyed Osama bin laden's last horcrux.

"hi! Do you have any gigantic fucking backpacks??" - this woman, right before she bought that gigantic fucki http://t.co/OHq54Zq7

Hot Sauce is the clearest and most efficient condiment name. Keep racking up those accolades, Hot Sauce.

Come on down to Hat City, where we sell stuff that's totally different than what our name suggests! http://t.co/XayWNbuy

"I need these jeans. They come with a wallet chain." - something I said out loud in a JCPenny in 1999.

My eyes are bigger than my stomach, which is a huge issue for me, medically.

The ox and lamb keep time? Where's the drummer boy at that part? Who's running this band?

I don't keep my skeleton in my closet. I keep it inside my body, because it provides a frame for my muscles and organs.

Seriously? Diet Mountain Dew? Bro, if you're gonna Do The Dew, fucking commit.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And I honesty have no idea which to take. Where am I? Why am I in the woods?" - Robert Lost

Phase 1: Thanksgiving. Phase 2: Poopstaking. #Thanksgiving

Is there a "Romney driving with Big Bird tied to the roof of his car" photoshop yet? Probably. #debates

Remember the kid in 4th grade who took a dump in the urinal? I wonder where he's at. You guys think he has a job and a wife and stuff?

New rule: If you want to eat popcorn in the office and force me to smell it for an hour, you have to smell my butthole while it microwaves.

Pink shirt, full beard, haven't had a haircut in 2 months. I look like a metrosexual wolf.

If diamonds were really a girl's best friend, dudes would be trying to fuck them constantly.

I still do not like the Bruins. They suck.

These college basketball players are really good at basketball. Some of them should go pro.

One of my biggest regrets in life is microwaving this salad I'm eating right now. God, why did I do this?