Stop interviewing traumatized children, you human garbage dumps. Refusing to watch any coverage that does.

WAIT. You're telling me that a MAN who was elected to office in AMERICA said something stupid about RAPE?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

It's hot chocolate season, you dumb pieces of shit.

May I congratulate you on your face, Marcel Nguyen?

'Wait, what was I going to look up on the internet?' - 80% of my thoughts.

I like how dogs are always offended when you avoid their kisses it's like UM YOUR JAW IS LITERALLY FULL OF FANGS GET AWAY FROM ME WOLFBEAST

Made three check out people laugh, that counts as an open mic.

How to eat a lobster: Don't eat a lobster. They are weird underwater salt bugs that have friends and claws and are gross.

You're living in a barely controllable animated meat suit that you can't get out of. #HappyLeapDay

The thing to keep in mind right now is that a black man, raised by a single mom, is currently the PRESIDENT OF AMERICA. #fuckyourhate #RNC

I'm starting a company that will let you rent an old person who will provide you unconditional love & support. Calling it Instant Grams.

The best part about not dating anyone is how I always have to sleep on a pile of cushions on the floor instead of a bed on group vacations.

'Haha, I did not expect that. Cool job, little bugs.' - Vin Diesel watching corn pop. #VinDieselSunday

'Hate yourself and buy things!' - all commercials

#RNC: The sanctity of human life, except in the cases of women, foreigners, American victims of gun violence, and other 'differents'.

I alternate evenly between wild rage at everyone everywhere and wanting to apologize for existing.

I didn't lose weight, I just don't have my boobs on.

Hey if you've ever chased a woman around or out of a bar to 'ask her out', you're a shithead and you should reevaluate yourself.

Just 3 weeks until 3,000 NYU freshmen declare themselves vegan.

Feminism hasn't come far enough, we're still excited when dresses have pockets.