Fear of hospitals isn't irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I've had a kid following me around calling me "mom" ever since.

When Jesus is hungover does he turn the wine back into water?

Its so kind of David Beckham to allow that creepy little starving girl follow him around everywhere

Sorry I @'ed you, didn't realize you were so far up your own ass that you were offended at the thought of interacting with us common folk.

I become zombie-like during sex: I scratch, bite and moan, but after all is said and done its your brain I love most.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

I buy my bikini bottoms in medium but my tops in small cuz my life is a hilarious fucking joke.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

"extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.

There's a 5 a.m.? How long has this been going on?

My assets:

-NES
-SNES
-N64
-Wii (modded)
-PS1
-PS2
-XBOX
-360
-mad skills
-vagina
-tits

The End.

My black half always talks during movies.

My white half clears her throat loudly to show annoyance, but won't ever say anything out loud.

What-the-fuck-ever, people who don't swear.

If you want me to shave, you need to teach me a cute way to scratch my crotch in public.

Box wine: For the classy bitch on a budget.

Fuck, my head is throbbing like a priest's dick at a cub scout convention.

When I spoon my cats I whisper "I could make you my bitch so quick," just so they are fully aware of the power distribution.

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

Took my bra off and a piece of cat food fell out. Now I'm sitting here looking foolish, thinking my cat genuinely wanted to cuddle.