Me: come on lady, move! Daughter: Dad, she's old and doesn't remember who her family is. Give her a break!

Kids are like farts... You can only tolerate your own

"Grandchildren are god's reward for not killing your kids"

Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.

Helping her son study, my friend asked him if he knew what a anagram was? He replied, isn't that the boob thing?

Adults are just kids with bills.

Why of course you can get another dog girls, as long as you promise to not take care of her as much as you do the one you already have!

My 8 year old wore her skull and crossbones shirt to school this morning. I know...how adorable :)

Mom!...it's third grade stuff...you wouldn't understand.

9 yr old Daughter: "Dad, imagine if someones last name was SSA and it was backwards day..."

Why is it that your child's school project turns into YOUR project? I hated Social Studies then & I certainly don't like it now..wine helps.

I have an idea. How about a cereal box and bag that a kid can actually open without destroying the box and bag?

According to my 8 year old this white ruffled shirt makes me look like Abraham Lincoln. #sosweet

Daughter - mommy, we don't need a maid...that's why we have you! Nice.

Why does every response from daughter start with "I know!"?

... is there nothing better than nintendo wii to babysit your kids while your husband and you have cocktails?

I wonder have many times my kids will say Mommy from 3:30p to 10:00p tonight?

Is there anything better than a 12 year old wallowing in her self pity when she doesn't get her way?

Like all moms, there are days when Mother Nature just wants to feel sexy. Somehow, this leads to hurricanes.

So we bring home lobster for dinner. Daughter says "Why do we have to eat that big bug?"