It's funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over

Taylor swift is the new relationship advice columnist for Seventeen magazine.

That's like trying to cure cancer with cancer

Dear men who don't eat pussy


I taste so good, you'll want the recipe

Fuck you, I'm polite as fuck

*just finished sex*

Him: what are you doing?

Me: I'm tweeting a joke about how awful this just was

You guys know the worst things in life are free too, right?

So some of you have twitter crushes who don't use themselves as their avi?

So like, you fall for their personality?

That's disgusting...

We are women of twitter.
Hear us whore.

I may not be able to buy happiness but I can buy drugs and it's kind of the same thing

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn

I burnt the shit out of this grilled cheese but I'm eating it anyways


not cuz I don't give a fuck



Cuz that's just what poor ppl do

Help someone who is in trouble and they will remember you ...

when they're in trouble again

I don't care how in love you are, getting married in your early 20's seems a lot like leaving a party at 9:00pm before the shit even starts.

Despite popular belief, the only thing we women really want from all you guys, is your annoyingly undying attention ...& all your hoodies

I accidentally pressed "quote tweet" and I just froze there on the tab as if it were a land mine and slowly disengaged.

I'm quickly realizing twitter is a full time job... With overtime, lots and lots of overtime

My cat's antisocial to the point of laying on the far couch, facing the wall.

I get it cat,
I fucking get it.

I burped so hard, I'm hungry again.

My account is so new, It still smells like afterbirth.

I can't hear you cuz your ugly face is just so loud