Cried during a dog food commercial. Somewhere close by, my period lurks in the shadows, lacing its fingers. "Soon." it hisses. "Sooooon."

If you leave Macy's today without two black eyes and a stranger's earlobe in your mouth, you've missed the point of America entirely.

Fuck you for not being macaroni & cheese, salad.

I call the Kardashians "the Wheaties Sisters" because of all the black athletes on their boxes.

I think we can learn a lot from our pets. Mainly, that they think we are chairs.

Oh nothing, just arranging stuffed animals around my dog so it looks like he's addressing Congress, what are you up to?

Not knowing French has a certain Jenny Say Qua.

Bank wants to know why I've been signing receipts as "MC Bonertown" for the last month as if "because it's hilarious" isn't already implied.

Recreational Vicodin use is the leading cause of staring at a lit candle for three hours while listening to experimental jazz.

Anyone else find the "insane" in front of "clown posse" a little redundant?

According to every 80s movie ever, the only way to get home from school is by standing up in the back of a Jeep Wrangler with 5 other people

Nice try, this joke format.

Wu-Tang Clams Ain't Nothin' to Shuck With.

Chivalry isn't dead, but it does want to put its finger in your butt.

I like to set the tone with potential suitors by holding my dog up in front of my face and saying "ARE YOU MY NEW DAD" in a Yoda voice.

Jack Johnson is the leading cause of chillaxing.

The people who wear Bluetooth headsets always look like the people least likely to ever receive phone calls.

Cancer sucks, but catching your mom singing "We Are the Champions" under her breath on the drive to chemo is rad. Hug someone you love.

Mom: 3. Cancer: 0. Merry Christmas, indeed.

Accidentally pocket Shazam'd myself urinating and it came back as the entire Red Hot Chil Peppers discography.