Being a drunk is just living your own pulp mystery novel. Why are my pants in the yard? Who's dog is this? Where the FUCK is my front tooth?

What if ghost sharks are a thing? This is serious, guys.

Anything can be sexy if you're weird enough

If I were a MILF, I'd totally awkward it up by saying momish things during sex like, "you keep making that face it'll get stuck like that"

That blinky light on each side of your car? It's there so we all know what direction you're gonna aim your 4,000 lb death machine. USE IT.

All the scientists on The Universe are like "I might be a physics professor but I've got no fucking clue what a hairbrush is."

"I would go to my shrink appt. but I'm late for smearing shit on the bathroom stalls in fast food places." - Lots of people, apparently.

Sometimes I'm jealous that no matter what its doing, a toddler its having a blast. "we're gonna count to 5?!? FUCK YEAH!!"

I always feed the old food in my fridge to the dog & say "Happy birthday!" She doesn't know it's not her birthday. She's fucking stupid.

I've had sex with every single thing I've ever owned.

I kind of hope my coworkers do find my twitter. It would be nice to never have to make eye contact with them ever again.

Shout out to my right boob for being a teeny tiny bit bigger than my left. I see you there. Working hard, pulling ahead.

You could pick up a dead pigeon off the street & just start eating it right there. There's no law against it.

Whew. Thank you, WebMD. I thought I had armpit cancer for like a 1/2 hour. Turns out I'm just stupid.

If I got rich, you better believe I'd blow it on the dumbest shit like a billboard of me doing finger guns, captioned only w "Hey, alright!"

Just realized I never, ever even utter the phrase "good morning" to people but I say it everyday to my dog in the most genuine, sincere way.

When showering, I spend the most time lathering my boobies. Because boobies.

I love how sometimes you can just sense that a woman has a super wacky vagina.

Is this shirt ripped? Are my tits out? Then I'm fucking dressed up, Dad.

Cruella DeMomjeans nextdoor called the cops on me for climbing into her BBQ smoker naked on DMT. God, pull the stick out of your ass, lady.