Dear Pope,

Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

Kids these days will never understand why it's funny to say "ding!" at the end of a row of corn.

If not for children's alphabet books, the xylophone would have faded into obscurity decades ago.

"These 'day of the week' pill dispensers would be great if I could remember what goddamn day it is." - my grandma

Never show a toddler a game that you don't want to play a thousand more times in a row.

Nice groundwater. I'd tap that. I'd tap that well.

How the fuck did he learn the F word?

Oh.

Teaching journalism ethics is easy. I just turn on Fox News and say, "See that? Don't do that." Class dismissed.

The grocer just offered me a free ham, which is pretty much the ultimate conundrum for us Jews.

"Name's Kim. I'm on the list." Sounds cool if you don't know I'm at Supercuts.

Thanks for offering me your seat, but no, I'm not pregnant. Now if you'll kindly excuse me, I have a dress to burn.

July 4th party at a house with a swimming pool. Putting away my iPhone now so if the boy falls in, I won't have to choose.

I will never be that super-fit, dedicated runner who jogs in place at red lights.

But I will always stop to laugh at that runner.

Science lesson from an 8-year-old: "If you smell my fart, that means molecules from my butt are in your nose." Class dismissed.

I love you, I'm just not ready to share earbuds with you.

“My second wife ain’t even been born yet,” he joked at the dinner party. His future widow smiled.

The new neighbors represent an unfortunate shift in our street’s tooth-to-tattoo ratio.

Wearing Crocs in public is kind of liberating. I'm now free from the last remaining illusion that I have a fashion sense.

"You and me have a date with destiny."

"You and I have a date with the grammar police."

Loving me isn't easy.

Do I scowl so he knows it was wrong to dump the oatmeal on his head, or laugh to encourage his talent for physical comedy? Parenting is hard