Accidentally dropped The Roommate's hairbrush in the toilet. We'll see if he actually reads my tweets.

If you can hear your neighbors having sex while you giggle to your cat about it, they're Doing It Right. And you're giggling to your cat.

Look. It's been a long day at the office, & when I get home, I expect sex on the kitchen table & dinner in bed.

"At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted?"

Cleaning out the fridge. Just found that Newman's balsamic which expired the same day he did.

Into the EBAY! box.

[Pushes hair out of eyes.]

[Pushes hair out of eyes.]

[Pushes hair out of eyes.]

At an emo show.

I miss nostalgia.

Sometimes I motivate myself to go to the gym by looking at naked photographs of better-looking girls who were once me.

"What? I clicked on a banner ad and got caught in a pornado."

They don't know it yet, but this couple demurely purchasing condoms is about to have the worst sex.

Just occurred to me: who are you people?

Taping some iPhones together.

What the duck. Four year-olds learn swear words faster than my iPhone.

"I want to open a maternity store and call it, 'We're Fucked.'"

Some uptight bitch on CNN going on about the necessity of eating animal protein, but you just know her husband hasn't gotten a BJ in years.

Just spent five minutes picking out one avocado.

This is the last time I take amphetamines before going to the grocery store.

The neighbors have their baby turned up *way* too loudly.

There are so many dykes at this show. I'm so horny. It's like 10,000 spoons when all I need is a knife.

Some woman talking on her cell phone cut me off while I was reading an email YOU CAN'T CHECK YOUR BLIND SPOT WHILE BEING ANTIQUATED, BITCH

The incidence of fender benders would decrease dramatically if iPods alphebatized songs by artist.