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Never fuck with anyone that has a bigger vocabulary than you.
It's not a typo if you don't know how to spell.
You know she's a keeper if she spreads her own ass.
When I have kids, if I ever catch them smoking pot, I'm going to punish them by making them sit and watch me smoke the whole thing.
It's not a misunderstanding if you're a fucking idiot.
Between the hours of 7 and 8 am, I answer all questions with eyebrow movements and finger points.
The 90's will always be 10 years ago to me.
#TeamFollowBack is like the god damn Jehovahs Witness of Twitter.
I followed you because some fucking idiot told me to.
I wonder what Forest Whitaker's eye is up to.
At the end of the day, it's all about loyalty.
I star people that I don't follow. Fuck you.
My iPhone 5S just autocorrected "teehee" into " don't do that, you're a 33 year old man."
I'm that type of high where you can stare through shit.
Woke up with a chubby, told her she needs to leave.
You can't cure addiction, just replace.
Give a man a cream cheese bagel , he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to cream cheese bagel, I'm high as fuck.
Its cute how at 31 I still enjoy drawing hearts and dicks through the steam of my shower door.
According to AT&T I've sent 5.8 Gigabytes worth of dick pics this month.
People getting trampled to death at Walmart over a $10 blender is my favorite holiday tradition.