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Never fuck with anyone that has a bigger vocabulary than you.
It's not a typo if you don't know how to spell.
You know she's a keeper if she spreads her own ass.
When I have kids, if I ever catch them smoking pot, I'm going to punish them by making them sit and watch me smoke the whole thing.
#TeamFollowBack is like the god damn Jehovahs Witness of Twitter.
Between the hours of 7 and 8 am, I answer all questions with eyebrow movements and finger points.
I wonder what Forest Whitaker's eye is up to.
I followed you because some fucking idiot told me to.
I star people that I don't follow. Fuck you.
I'm that type of high where you can stare through shit.
At the end of the day, it's all about loyalty.
Woke up with a chubby, told her she needs to leave.
The 90's will always be 10 years ago to me.
According to AT&T I've sent 5.8 Gigabytes worth of dick pics this month.
You can't cure addiction, just replace.
It's not a misunderstanding if you're a fucking idiot.
Its cute how at 31 I still enjoy drawing hearts and dicks through the steam of my shower door.
31 years old, and I still can't walk by a bush with out yanking off some leaves.
It is absolutely legal to text and drive as long you keep your knee fixed firmly to the steering wheel at the 7 o'clock position.
This weekend's mood proudly brought to you by "whatever motherfucker."