Never fuck with anyone that has a bigger vocabulary than you.

It's not a typo if you don't know how to spell.

You know she's a keeper if she spreads her own ass.

When I have kids, if I ever catch them smoking pot, I'm going to punish them by making them sit and watch me smoke the whole thing.

#TeamFollowBack is like the god damn Jehovahs Witness of Twitter.

Between the hours of 7 and 8 am, I answer all questions with eyebrow movements and finger points.

I wonder what Forest Whitaker's eye is up to.

I followed you because some fucking idiot told me to.

I star people that I don't follow. Fuck you.

I'm that type of high where you can stare through shit.

At the end of the day, it's all about loyalty.

Woke up with a chubby, told her she needs to leave.

The 90's will always be 10 years ago to me.

According to AT&T I've sent 5.8 Gigabytes worth of dick pics this month.

You can't cure addiction, just replace.

It's not a misunderstanding if you're a fucking idiot.

Its cute how at 31 I still enjoy drawing hearts and dicks through the steam of my shower door.

31 years old, and I still can't walk by a bush with out yanking off some leaves.

It is absolutely legal to text and drive as long you keep your knee fixed firmly to the steering wheel at the 7 o'clock position.

This weekend's mood proudly brought to you by "whatever motherfucker."