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Never fuck with anyone that has a bigger vocabulary than you.
It's not a typo if you don't know how to spell.
You know she's a keeper if she spreads her own ass.
My iPhone 5S just autocorrected "teehee" into " don't do that, you're a 33 year old man."
When I have kids, if I ever catch them smoking pot, I'm going to punish them by making them sit and watch me smoke the whole thing.
The 90's will always be 10 years ago to me.
It's not a misunderstanding if you're a fucking idiot.
Between the hours of 7 and 8 am, I answer all questions with eyebrow movements and finger points.
Give a man a cream cheese bagel , he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to cream cheese bagel, I'm high as fuck.
#TeamFollowBack is like the god damn Jehovahs Witness of Twitter.
I wonder what Forest Whitaker's eye is up to.
I followed you because some fucking idiot told me to.
Woke up with a chubby, told her she needs to leave.
You can't cure addiction, just replace.
At the end of the day, it's all about loyalty.
I'm that type of high where you can stare through shit.
I star people that I don't follow. Fuck you.
Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up, find him, and suck his dick.
According to AT&T I've sent 5.8 Gigabytes worth of dick pics this month.
Its cute how at 31 I still enjoy drawing hearts and dicks through the steam of my shower door.
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