You lost me at "From the producers of 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'..."

If BK really wanted me to "have it my way", they'd let me nap in peace instead of being all, "Ma'am, adults aren't allowed in the ball pit."

"You've filled out." Gotta love the brutal honesty of the elderly. I can't wait to get old and call people fat with no repercussions.

All of these wedding and baby showers I've been not going to gave me a great idea. Birthday shower. Someone throw me one.

I'm terrified of the requirements having a serious relationship calls for... like talking.

Unbelievably tired. Was out too late doing hood rat things with my friends. Okay fine I was up until 3 watching Golden Girls.

I thought I was downloading Words With Friends, but I got a message saying, "Words of Jesus was installed successfully." Well played, Jesus.

When I go to Hobby Lobby I like to open all the glitter, throw it in the air and yell, "This place about to blow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!"

According to WebMD's symptom checker I either have Bieber fever or Asbestosis. Hoping for the latter.

Dear couples who take pictures of their hands making a heart, that's enough out of you.

You DON'T want everyone watching your every move? Your frequent Facebook status updates could've fooled me.

Bought a wicker purse today and called the cashier pussy cat. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room at Shady Pines retirement home.

I kissed Lester once -let me finish- for a Gary Sheffield rookie card. Okay, you're right... that doesn't make it any better.

I forgot that it was opposite day when I said I wanted extra honey mustard. By the lack of it, you clearly remembered. Well played, Sonic.

Yes, Toby Keith, you should've done us all a favor and been a cowboy.

Me? Just crying into this bag of Flavor Blasted Goldfish® & wondering which Adele lyrics I should post as my fb satus. How's your Wednesday?

I bet the rest of The Doors hated camping with Jim Morrison. "No, Jim. YOU light the fire for once." Yeah. I'll show myself out.

Pudding and tequila tastes like loneliness, in case anyone was wondering...

Old lady just told me what a "pretty blouse" I had on. Need me? I'll be in my room eating Werther's Originals & watching The Price Is Right.

Just passed a church called Journey. I have a real problem with them not having a huge billboard out front that says "Don't stop believing."